First things FIrst! Have you seen this new X-Men movie? I saw it the other day, and before we get to the I Love Television™ Mailbag™, I've got a few things I'd like to say! As you undoubtedly realize, I am no friend to nerds. I hate their clothing choices, I hate their four-eyed heavy-rimmed glasses, and I hate their drooling obsessions with everything from Lord of the Rings to those weird Japanese cartoons whose titles I can never pronounce. And this X-Men movie is literally dripping with nerd juice. That being said, however, I did not like the X-Men movie I LOVED IT!
It has everything: romance, heroism, action, laffs, and even a little beefcake courtesy of that hunk of teenage mutant stud, Colossus. And I also liked its message: Mutants are just retards with super powers, so we should treat retards better if we don't wanna get our asses kicked.
Of course, the movie wasn't perfect. My main problem with these mutants is that most of them are goddam crybabies. "OHHH, BOO-HOO-HOO! I've got Ginsu knives shooting out of my knuckles, and nobody understands me! OHHH, BOO-HOO-HOO!" Why are super powers always wasted on the unworthy?
Now, if I had super powers--which I wouldn't, because they're only passed out to insecure diaper-soakers--I certainly wouldn't be yowling about it. And I'm fairly certain I would have far more useful powers than most of the X-Men--especially the one whose only discernible power is possessing a pointy blue tongue (are we certain he wasn't just drinking a Grape Nehi?). Anyway, I think it would be great if my mutant super power was the ability to turn anything I wanted into a hot dog.
Picture it! Some craphole crooks just robbed a bank, but before they can escape, I step into the middle of the street. "Curses!" they scream. "It's the uncanny Hotdoggio! Kill him! Kill him! KILL HIM!!" Ha! Fat chance, bad guys! Especially since I just turned your guns into Hebrew National kosher dogs lovingly placed into steamed buns and graced with brown mustard, tomatoes, pickles, and celery salt. And you may find it similarly difficult to escape in your car, since I just transformed the tires into fragrant links of bratwurst! For I am the uncanny HOTDOGGIO!
Goddam it, I'm hungry.
Okay, enough stupid stuff. Let's get to the I Love Television™ Mailbag™, so I can go to lunch. TV fan Scott Reed writes, "Hey Humpy: Don't miss the finest show on TV, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge on TNN (AKA, redneck-vision), Saturday 9-10 pm, and Sunday 8-9 pm. High-freaking-larious. It's a Japanese game show from the '80s that's been dubbed in classic lowbrow American fashion and made oh-so-much better. Check it out!"
Hey Scott: As a matter of fact, I did "check it out" and found your estimation of this show to be spot-on! This is a terrifically hee-larious show, and the fact that you discovered it before I did must mean you're some kinda mutant. Therefore, I shall dub thee "the uncanny Televisionio"! Congratulations! Drop by the office and I'll make you a hot dog. (LITERALLY!)