A Gay Contribution to Society

"OH, NO! Not another gay column!" Oh YES, another gay column! And that's because after centuries of having all the fun behind closed closet doors, the gays are finally coming out and sharing their immense talents with the rest of the world. It's hard to imagine that gays would ever be considered "shy," but when's the last time you heard a gay person admit they're the ones who invented disco? "Oh, no! It wasn't us!" they squeal. "It was the black people!" Uh-huh, and it was black people who invented snorting coke, dancing all night, and wearing roller skates with mesh shorts, wasn't it? You gays are so modest!

Thankfully those days of modesty are quickly becoming a thing of the past with two brand-new shows coming to a TV near you. And while this first gay reality show may not be premiering for a while, there's still an opportunity for you to AUDITION and strut your gay stuff for all the world to see!

Its working title is America's Gay Country Music Superstar, and it's a lot like American Idol, except with Clay openly admitting he's a big homo. Grammy-nominated producer/songwriter Larry Dvoskin and TV producer Jeff Margolis (best known for directing/producing such faggy faves as the Academy Awards and Emmys ceremonies) are behind this nationwide search for you guessed it, America's very first openly gay country and western star. They'll be choosing 50 finalists, and the way I see it, one of those finalists should be YOU.

There are only two requirements for this competition: (1) YOU ARE GAY, and (2) YOU SING COUNTRY MUSIC. And since I only have about 10 readers, and 10 percent of the country is gay, then at least ONE of the people reading this right now could apply! So what are you waiting for? Book a flight NOW to NYC for Thursday, August 7, show up at noon at SIR Studios, 312 West 52nd Street, and sing yer goddam heart out! (And may I suggest a combo cowboy hat/mesh shorts/chaps ensemble? Yeeee-HAW!)

The second show has already premiered on the gayest of gay networks (Bravo), and as predicted it's hee-lariously DIVINE. It's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (10 pm, Tuesdays), and the premise is so remarkably simple I'm ashamed I didn't think it up. An elite squad of five gay men are assigned to give a complete makeover to your average schlubby straight guy, with each gay being an expert in his chosen field: fashion, food and wine, interior design, grooming, and culture.

The show starts with the gays bursting into the shocked breeder's domicile and immediately insulting every stick of furniture, every article of clothing, and every bristly monobrow. Then when the massive ego of the straight is sufficiently ground to dust, the gays are able to gently instruct the oaf in the urgently necessary arts of garnishing, organizing a closet, choosing the proper gel, selecting the correct cracker for foie gras, and finding affordable stemware.

Are these makeover miracles only temporary fixes? Perhaps. But if even a quarter of the men watching this show trade in their ridiculous pleated pants for flat fronts, I will personally never stop singing their praises. Now that's what I call a contribution to society!