Your Flailing Career

As you have undoubtedly surmised, your career isn't going so hot. Sure, there may be some aspects of your job that you enjoy, such as making passive-aggressive comments to your boss, or stealing people's lunch from the company refrigerator. But you dream of having more, right? And this is where I come in.

Now I'll admit my attempts to augment your success in the past have largely ended in failure and a few unlucky lawsuits. However! Maybe you just weren't meant to be a high-ranking network executive or a finalist on American Idol. That's why we're going to start all over again and THIS TIME, we'll set the bar just a wee bit lower.

Okay! So this is what I'm thinking: You should star in a made-for-television movie! Compared to major motion pictures, made-for-TV movies require little to no talent which is perfect for you! Plus it pays well, and you get to work with B-list celebs like Sharon Lawrence, Tori Spelling, and John Stamos. And before you know it, you can parlay this experience into even bigger things like infomercials! And recording contracts in Germany! And becoming the topic of an E! True Hollywood Story!

But let's not count our chickens before they're decapitated by KFC. First we have to pick out the right "vehicle" to showcase your talents. And just in the nick of time, here are three choices.

Helter Skelter (currently casting for CBS): That's right! This is a remake of the really creepy 1976 made-for-TV movie about the Manson family murders. Now, I can totally picture you shaving your head and carving a swastika between your eyes in order to play the role of Charlie Manson. The only downside? To prepare for your role you'll probably have to listen to tons of Beatles records (which is enough to drive anyone bonkers and splash the walls of a Hollywood mansion with blood).

Murder at the Playboy Mansion (in development for the USA Network): From what I can tell, this script is somewhat "lighter" than Helter Skelter. The scene: Hugh Hefner's DNA-covered Playboy Mansion. The plot: During one of Hef's legendary soirees, someone is murdered and it's up to the analytical minds of the Playboy bunnies to figure out whodunit! I picture you playing a thong.

Saving Jessica Lynch (Coming soon from NBC!): While it may be too late to capture the plum role of PFC Jessica Lynch--who was rescued from an Iraqi hospital by U.S. forces--there are still plenty of roles that would be perfect for you. You could play the Iraqi doctor who tried to give a key to some American soldiers who instead insisted on kicking down the hospital door and shooting up the room with blanks and dummy explosives. Or you could play the Iraqi soldiers who stopped guarding the hospital and left at least 24 hours before U.S. forces arrived. Or you could play the American troops who fired on Jessica Lynch's ambulance when Iraqi doctors tried to return her to safety. Or you could play the person in the Bush administration who concocted the bullshit story of Jessica Lynch in the first place.

You know, on second thought you'd get more respect playing a thong.