I am a man of many addictions. I'm addicted to life, having fun, and "natural highs." I am also addicted to booze, pills, and sex--which I must admit I prefer to "life," "having fun," and "natural highs." However! If you were to pile all my addictions into a bottomless dirty laundry hamper, at the top of that stinky mountain would be my favorite addiction of allÉ gambling!

Oh, boy! Do I love gambling! As far as I'm concerned, gambling beats the ever-loving crap out of all my other stoopid addictions, and that's because with gambling, you actually have the opportunity of getting something in return. Example: I try to bag a lot of tail, right? (Per my "sexual addiction" requirements.) And nine times out of 10, I bag that tail. BUT! While receiving the tail I originally set out to bag, I unwittingly also become the recipient of unwanted consequences. Like having to buy a stoopid Xmas present for the tail in question! So not only do I have to pay to bag the tail, I also have to continue paying throughout the holidays! Ho, ho, fawking HO!

On the other hand, when I gamble, I pay once--but I also receive a chance to win my money back, AND THEN SOME. Of course, the "AND THEN SOME" only happens once every blue moon, and most of the time I'm hocking my grandparents' silverware to pay back the thick-necked goombahs who also want to "bag a little tail"--MINE. But it's the opportunity of winning that I love. That and watching other people LOSE.

So when I'm not playing blackjack at the Indian casinos, spending days in underground pachinko parlors, or rolling dice in the alley with a bunch of fifth graders, I'm watching people LOSE on one of my fave new TV shows, Celebrity Poker Showdown (Bravo, Tuesdays, 9 pm). Hosted by not-as-funny-as-he-thinks comedian/actor Kevin Pollak (The Usual Suspects) and world-class poker champ Phil Gordon, Celebrity Poker Showdown gives celebrities/closeted gambling addicts a chance to lose an ass-load of money in front of a national audience.

Every week five celebs meet at the Palms Hotel in Vegas to play the "Cadillac of poker games," No Limit Texas Hold 'Em. The stars play for the charity of their choice, and each game is whittled down to one winner who will play in the final tournament--for a whopping quarter of a million smackeroonies! That buys a lot of pills and prostitutes!

Among the competing rich and famous are Ben Affleck, Martin Sheen, Don Cheadle, David Schwimmer, Carrie Fisher, David Cross, Hank "Homer Simpson" Azaria, and (be still my beating heart) Coolio. But what's really great is seeing these fancy-pants actors get all uptight and pissy when their money is taken away. For example, when Willie Garson (of Sex and the City) beat the pants off of Friends' David Schwimmer, I thought the big crybaby was gonna squirt a dump in his gold-plated diaper!

Anyway, since I'm well on my way to becoming a celebrity, don't be surprised if I eventually show up on Celebrity Poker Showdown--of course, after I finish with them it'll be called Celebrity PORKER Showdown! (Hey, what can I say? My sexual addiction must be fed.)