One of the great things about being young is that you don't give a crap about where or how you live. HOWEVER! There also comes a time in a young person's life when residing in a four-bedroom house with 25 hippies, punks, crackheads, AND THEIR DOGS can inspire thoughts of murder.

For example, while I certainly had my share of nice roomies, I'd still like to flatten a few of their faces with a shovel. There was Fat Carl the Masturbator, for instance, who weighed 2,000 pounds, yet was not the slightest bit embarrassed when caught masturbating--which for him was a constant work in progress. Then there was Sagebrush, the filthy hippie, who was in fact SO filthy, I once saw her get hit in the head with a Frisbee, and a swarm of fleas came flying out of her dreadlocks.

And who can forget Felony Jim, the acid dealer, who I witnessed: (1) Eat an entire pot of spaghetti that had been sitting on the counter for seven weeks. (2) Set his own hair on fire. (3) Chase a Jehovah's Witness down the street with a gun. (4) Fall out of a two-story window dressed in a banana suit. (5) Drink half a bottle of Jim Beam and eat a Nestlé $100,000 Bar--every morning for breakfast. (6) Take his date to a porno theater. (7) Organize a spontaneous nude skee-ball tournament at the local Chuck E. Cheese's. And (8) awake one morning in a stolen post-office vehicle wearing women's undergarments, surrounded by an inflatable doll, a garbage bag full of raw hamburger, and a goat. (Which I swear I had nothing to do with.)

So when it comes to weird roommates--I know of which I speak. And finally, a new reality show has decided to capitalize on this phenomenon by making weird roommates the rulers of the roost! It's called Mad Mad House (Sci Fi Channel, debuts Thursday, March 4, 9 pm) and features the scariest group of roomies ever assembled.

Carefully selected from a variety of "alternative" lifestyles (oh-oh), these roomies run the gamut of "weird": There's Art, the Modern Primitive, who's covered with tattoos and hangs from the ceiling via hooks in his skin--and NO, I'm not joking about any of this! Then there's Ta'Shia, the Voodoo Priestess, as well as "Avocado," the Earth-loving Naturalist... which is a nice way of saying he's a stinking hippie nudist. There's also Fiona the Witch (who, unlike most crones I've seen, is pretty freaking hot!), and last but not least, there's "Don the Vampire." Now I'm really excited about this character, mostly because of his name. Calling yourself "Don the Vampire" is like naming yourself "Karen the Gangster Rapper."

Even better? These five weirdoes will be put in charge of, and eventually eliminate, a house full of "normal" contestants, like bankers, secretaries, and factory workers. So for perhaps the first time on TV, the status quo will be forced to conform to the wishes of a clearly insane minority (i.e., a nudist and a vampire)! Oh, boy! Is the poop gonna hit the fan, or what?

So don't miss Mad Mad House, coming next week on the Sci-Fi Channel. (Sniff.) You know, it almost makes me miss Fat Horny Carl.