Jeremy Eaton
By nature, I'm not the political type. Certainly I've been known to write the occasional scathing unprintable editorial to the local paper (like when Fox took Fastlane off the air? Man, that was bullshit!). In general, however, my approach to political injustice is to get really mad privately, threaten to move to a different country, and then fall asleep crying after hours of praying for the offending party to get an exceptionally uncomfortable case of prostate cancer.

On the other hand! Sometimes a particular act of injustice is so clearly WRONG even a chickenshit like me can be prodded into action. I'm speaking, of course, of Martha Stewart. For those callous few who haven't been keeping up with this case on a daily basis, here's the poop: On Friday, March 5, Martha was found "guilty" of obstructing justice, conspiracy, and two counts of lying to the feds. It appears Martha had received an insider-trading tip regarding some "ImClone" stocks that were about to shit the bed, and dumped them before they could endanger .00002% of her multimillion-dollar empire.

Now... I'm not saying Martha is morally innocent. What's she doing investing in "clones" anyway? Well... actually, I guess it makes sense. How else are you supposed to clean behind your couch, braise a lamb, crochet a scarf, rewire a lamp, bake St. Patrick's Day cupcakes, and arrange a floral hanging basket without the help of at least half a dozen clones? However! You gotta remember clones are people, too. And it probably really hurt their feelings when Martha dumped their stock. If you multiply a single tear by 100, you'll begin to see what I mean.

Okay... and she also "broke the law." But there's an adage that goes "Let the punishment fit the crime." Though she has yet to be sentenced, Martha could face 20 years in prison as well as a million in fines. To me, this seems fair. She can certainly afford to part with a million dollars, and 20 years will give her just enough time to finish planting that darling rosemary topiary behind the guard tower. But what's NOT fair is how, in addition to the fines and jail time, CBS has unceremoniously dropped Martha Stewart Living from its daytime lineup! A show that was famous for teaching everyday slobs like me the finer points of household domestication, MSL was given the heave-ho only a couple hours after the guilty verdict was delivered--AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT!!

Take John Wayne Gacy! When this creepy serial murderer was sentenced to life imprisonment, did they say, "Oh, and by the way, you can't dress up like a clown anymore"? NO, THEY DID NOT. (At least I think they didn't.) Taking away Martha's show is not only cruel and unusual punishment--but it punishes her viewers and fans as well! Where else can I learn how to arrange a spring floral centerpiece? Who's going to tell me the difference between a duvet and a sham? And who the FAWK is going to organize my spice rack?!?

Sure, take away Martha's money! Take away her freedom! But don't take away our right to KNOWLEDGE. (By the way, have you tried her divine Grilled Swordfish with Olive Pesto? If loving that dish is a crime, then sentence me to LIFE!)