Now, this worked great--for a while. And until my very dashing and roguish mask was unceremoniously ripped from my face in a brawl outside the Fuzzy Duck Lounge, I was known far and wide as "The Gentleman Pugilist." I was also known as "OWWWW! Who was that asshole with the mask who just hit me in the face?!?" But the point is, without my mask, I was once again forced to take my highly regarded "face-hitting" skills and place them in a more appropriate arena (AKA, the BOXING arena).
As one can imagine, there are both pros and cons to the sport of boxing. Pros: hitting people in the face numerous times, instead of just once. Cons: people getting mad when I take off my gloves and hit them in the face. But other than that, boxing is a great way to keep in shape, sharpen your mental skills, inflict brain damage, and if you're really lucky, detach the occasional retina.
Now, the reason I bring all this up, is that I bet you occasionally have the need to hit somebody in the face, too. And you know that the only thing better than hitting people in the face is hitting them in the face on national television! Well, your wish has finally come true in a brand-new reality show called The Contender, which is currently in the casting process. Produced by master of physical torture Mark Burnett (Survivor) and master of mental torture Sylvester Stallone (Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot), The Contender is the first boxing reality show, in which 16 aspiring face punchers train together and duke it out until there's only one fighter left. This cauliflower-eared, brain-dead can of tomato soup will then have the opportunity for a shot at the world boxing title. WOW! Just like in that movie, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!
And the great thing is, ANYONE can audition for this show. Local tryouts will be taking place in Seattle on May 22-25 (call 1-877-BE A BOXER for details). So start training now! And sure, they say they're looking for "qualified boxers," but what's "qualified"? I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to knock you on your ass, so I guess that makes me qualified! They also say you need to bring your own sparring equipment to the audition, which means gloves, headgear, a roll of quarters, ether, that medicine you use to reduce swelling of the brain, and a hemorrhoid cushion (you'll need it when I KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ASS!).