Jeremy Eaton
Barbie O'Connell of Daytona Beach, Florida, writes: "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me. I'm a curvy 19-year-old college student who likes to party and have fun. Plus my friends tell me I'm quite a 'fox.' Here's my problem: My boyfriend is unable to satisfy me. Why? He can't seem to locate my V-chip. It's my understanding that every television built since the year 2000 has a V-chip inside, designed to block out offensive programming. If true, then why am I constantly walking in on my b-friend watching 'Skinamax'? When I ask him to activate my V-chip, he feigns ignorance, rolls over, and falls asleep. I would gladly turn myself on, if only I had a mature, steady hand to guide me. Will you do this for me, Humpy? Can you find and push the button that will have me screaming in wiggling glee? XXOOXX, Barbie. P.S. Write more articles about Degrassi High."

Barbie, I feel your throbbing need. And it's amazing how many people are in your same unfortunate position. However, while I would happily spend my days traveling from college to college activating the V-chip of every curvy 19-year-old in the country... frankly, my finger would grow tired. Therefore, I've done the next best thing. What follows is a quick 'n' dirty primer in locating and--more importantly--sassifyin' the mysterious V-chip.

The first thing to remember is, while every TV is beautiful and unique in its own way, the plumbing is primarily the same. After checking to see if your remote has fresh batteries, take it in hand and gently probe the "menu" button. At first, this may be a new and slightly uncomfortable feeling, but after a time, I believe you'll find it immensely pleasurable--and perhaps you'll even want to experiment with other menu functions, such as "brightness," "closed caption," and "vibrate."

Repeatedly touch the channel selector in a rhythmic downward motion, until you reach a selection entitled "Parental Control." Now to a lot of people, this can be a real "turn-off." However, now is not the time to lose your concentration. Press down, and press down HARD. This should take you to the edge, transporting you to the peak of discovery where the V-chip is located. The screen will now ask if you want the V-chip turned "on" or "off." Well, which is it, baby? "On" or "off"? Oh, I bet you want it "on," don't you? Ohhhhh, yeaahhhhh, you want it "on," all right! You want it ALL the WAY "on"! So do it, baby. Do it now. Push the button. Go on. Turn it on, baby. Push that button, push that button, push it, push it, NOW NOW NOW NOW NOWWWW... OHHHHHHHHH YEAAHHHHHHH!

Whew. Now your V-chip is activated. Nicely done. I hope that answers your question, Barbie. Sooooo... is it okay if I don't stay the night? I've got an early day tomorrow.