Jeremy Eaton
Listen up, assy-pants! No one fires Wm.™ Steven Humphrey! Ohhhh, sure. You can read other TV columns; see if I give a juicy poot. But if you think you're going to toss me over for some dry-as-toast jerkhole from the daily newspaper, you've got another think coming!

Of course, there's the possibility the idea of firing me as your favorite TV columnist never popped into your head before I mistakenly decided to bring it up. If this is the case, please go back to eating your bologna sandwich and drinking a fifth of whiskey. I think I'm just a little paranoid after learning that FOUR of my favorite characters from the hit TV series 24 have gotten shit-canned--and for no particular reason!

For those who stupidly refuse to watch this terrific show, here's the scoop: Kiefer Sutherland (Young Guns II) stars as Jack Bauer, top agent at CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit), whose job is to keep America safe from jerks who want to assassinate the president, drop nuclear bombs, and spread lethal viruses. Unfortunately for him, things like this only happen once every three years or so, and then only for a 24-hour period. So his job is kind of like mine. A lot of sitting around on your ass, and then suddenly everyone's screaming at you to turn in your column, and threatening to garnish your wages.

Anyway, it's a good show, and you can rent the first two seasons on DVD. However! Now that the third season is over, the producers have decided to fire some of our favorite characters, including...

* James Badge Dale (AKA Chase Edmunds): This young buck of a CTU agent was supposed to take Jack's place; that is, until he began porking Jack's daughter. This made Jack mad, so in the last episode he chopped Chase's hand off. (Sure, he said it was because Chase had a bomb attached to his wrist... but we all know the truth, right?) Anyway, now Chase is up crap creek, because how's he supposed to get work as a secret agent with a bandaged stump?

* Reiko Aylesworth (AKA Michelle Dessler): Now, I can understand firing unattractive people--but Michelle was H-O-T! Plus, she was super smart, knew how to kick some ass, and was married to Tony Almeida. Plus she was H-O-T! You don't fire people who are H-O-T! What is this stupid world coming to?!?

* Mary Lynn Rajskub (AKA Chloe O'Brian): Okay, she wasn't H-O-T. But as CTU's top computer-genius nerd, she was a hilarious jerk who annoyed every single person on the staff. And yet I still have MY job??

* Carlos Bernard (AKA Tony Almeida): Truly, the most grievous firing of the lot! Awarded I Love Television™'s 2003 "TV Character of the Year," Tony Almeida was top dog at CTU until he got sent to prison for protecting his wife Michelle rather than stopping a virus that could kill everyone in L.A. (A controversial choice, I'll admit--but in his defense, his wife is H-O-T!) Besides, how can you fire a guy that gets shot in the freaking NECK, and then comes back to work one episode later?!? JESUS FAWKIN' PETE! Give the guy a fawking break!!

(Note to my boss: Please note that I am at work, even though I was murdered yesterday. And yes, I have a doctor's note.)