Jeremy Eaton
Okay... new rule. You're not allowed to use the word "extreme" in the name of your product or TV show title, unless you file for a permit and complete a lengthy interview process first. And though I'm referring to the new show Extreme Dodgeball (Game Show Network, Tuesdays, 10 pm), popular culture is being swamped with other "extremes" such as "extreme" sports, "extreme" video games, "extreme" fruit juices, and "extreme" deodorants. In my opinion, your product better have some fawked-up shit going on if you're going to label it "extreme."

For example! Let's look at "extreme" deodorant. If you're "extreme," it's simply not enough to stop the sweat. An "extreme" deodorant should be able to soak up 85% of all the liquid in your body--including blood! Now that's "extreme." Or how about "extreme" fruit juices? First of all, the words "extreme" and "fruit" don't exactly go together. So your "extreme" fruit juice had better be so concentrated with fruit flavor, it actually turns into a solid, which is indistinguishable from an actual piece of fruit. Now that's "extreme."

Bearing that in mind, let's examine the case of GSN's Extreme Dodgeball. First of all, any game that allows its participants to hurl rubber balls at someone's nuts is already "extreme." So whatever it is they're doing on this show, it better be super-duper "extreme."

Extreme Dodgeball is played by a league of weirdly named teams: There's the "Stallion Battalion," a team of tiny horse jockeys, the "CPAs (Certified Public Assassins)," a bunch of geeky accountants, "Sumo Storm," who I'm pretty sure are just a bunch of fat guys, and the "Silent But Deadly Mimes"--because who doesn't like to hit a mime in the nuts? This is marginally "extreme."

However, in a very un"extreme" manner, Extreme Dodgeball adheres to mostly normal dodgeball rules: You're out if a ball hits you. You're out if you can't catch a ball thrown at you. You're out if someone catches your ball. And you're both out if a ball ricochets off you and hits a teammate. Now, here's where things supposedly get "extreme." If your entire team gets knocked out, you can throw the ball at this thing called the "Regeneration Target." If you hit it, your entire team can continue playing, but you can only use it once. Secondly, the final game in the match is called "Dead Man Walking," wherein one member wears a stupid orange headband. If this person is hit, the entire team gets knocked out and loses the game. And thirdly, hitting someone in the head IS NOT ALLOWED. What the.... How the FAWK is that "extreme"?!

Look. To tell the truth, I really enjoy this show. The announcers stink, but it's hilarious to watch a bunch of horse jockeys nailing fat guys with balls. HOWEVER! To take away the universally accepted rule of breaking someone's nose with a dodgeball? Well! That's not only NOT "extreme," it's extremely WUSSY. Therefore I would like to propose a new show entitled Extreme Extremities, where I take my extremely large foot and put it inside their extremely narrow ass. Now, that my friends, is "extreme."