I gotta tell you, I'm not looking forward to death. Why? Because for some unfathomable reason, I annoy dead people. They just don't like me. It may be because of my overwhelming joie de vivre, or it may be because I smell better... but for whatever reason, dead people think I'm a jerk--and choose to ignore me. IT'S INFURIATING. Who do these dead people think they are anyway? Giving ME--of all people--the "high hat." And just because I'm not a member of their stupid dead club? Dead playa, please!
And don't try to make me feel better by saying, "Oh, well... maybe the dead people didn't see you." Of course they saw me! They don't have anything better to do than to see me! They just float around all day on their big fat asses, peeking in on people having sex, taking a dump, or picking their nose. Then when they get bored, they fly around slamming doors, rattling chains, and moving bottle caps around like Patrick Swayze in Ghost. Oh! They see me all right! And they're choosing to ignore me, while whooping it up with other not-so-annoying live people.
How do I know this? I see it on the freaking TV, like, every freaking day! Television is lousy with dead people that hang out with living, breathing folks who, apparently, aren't assholes like me! For example...
*Six Feet Under (Sundays, HBO, 10 pm)--This show, about a family that runs a funeral home, is like a goddamn convention of the dead. The dead father is always dropping by to offer advice, and dead people are constantly hopping up off the mortuary table to stick their big fat dead noses into everybody's business. And even worse? They always have this amused, oh-I'm-dead-so-I-know-everything look on their faces. God! I hate dead people! They think they're so cool!
*Rescue Me (Wednesdays, FX, 10 pm)--Chain-smoking comedian Denis Leary stars as an NYC fireman whose cousin was killed on September 11. But don't get mopey, because cousin is back in action as a sass-talkin' spook. (Though it sounds dumb, this is actually a very entertaining and well-written show. I'm just mad because Denis Leary is such a freaking jerk, and yet the ghosts just loooooove him!)
*Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) (Mondays, BBC America, 8 pm)--In this limey mystery show, Jeff Randall is a private detective whose partner, Marty Hopkirk, is killed in the first episode. However, unlike most dead people who retire, Hopkirk returns to help his ex-partner solve mysteries! DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? Not a single dead person has EVER volunteered to write my column! Or mop my kitchen floor! And who has more time on their hands than the dead? So listen up, corpses! Quit ignoring me and get back to work--because if you have time to LEAN, you have time to CLEAN!