Jeremy Eaton
Okay, teenagers! Let's put those beanbag chairs in a circle because Uncle Humpy is hosting a groovy, old-timey "pizza party." You know, the kind where we sit around, get to know each other, and "rap." So... how's everybody doing? Cool... that's cool. How am I? Oh... well, I suppose I'd be doing better if you goddamned teenagers would stop acting like such fickle shitbags!!

Okay, "rap" session's over. So spit out that pizza, and listen up, you acne-pocked dork--cuz I've got something to say! Today's teenagers need to do three things: 1. Cut your hair, 2. Stop listening to that infernal "rocky roll music," and 3. Start appreciating what you have.

Oh, you're being unappreciative all right. Take cigarette smoking, for example. When you're a teenager you can smoke the shit out of cigarettes, and still have enough lung capacity to sigh heavily whenever you're asked to take out the garbage. However, when you get to be MY age, if you smoke a single Kool, suddenly it's "Hello Emphysema" and a year of camping out in an oxygen tent.

Another thing you refuse to appreciate is your apparent lack of intelligence. While most domesticated animals can understand up to 200 phrases, the only ones you respond to are, "Are you hungry?" "Do you need money?" and "My daughter is on the pill." Otherwise, the gamut of your responses is limited to "Ungghh," "Dunno..." "(Shrug)," and slamming your bedroom door. These tactics are infuriating to adults--and yet, when I bring them to your attention, you simply shrug and slam your bedroom door! GODDAMMIT! WHY CAN'T YOU APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE?!?

BUT PERHAPS MOST... oh. Sorry, I'm still yelling. But perhaps most infuriating of all is how you teenagers today refuse to appreciate a sweet piece of ass. Take the upcoming TV season for example! We can all agree that The O.C. is the greatest television show of all time, yes? However, at the end of last season, teenage Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) went sailing off to Tahiti, leaving behind his hot girlfriend Summer Roberts (Rachel Bilson)--who just happens to be the juiciest piece of ass on that show! And now I find out from the Hollywood Reporter that The O.C. 's producers are giving Summer a new love interest this fall in the form of hotsy-totsy indie star Michael Cassidy! Well, Seth! I hope your trip to Tahiti was nice... because you just blew one terrific piece of tail!!

But it's not just teenage boys wasting perfectly good ass. On the second-greatest show of all time (the WB's Smallville), they've hired a hot 'n' sticky piece of booty to play the role of a young Lois Lane (Erica Durance). So what does this mean for Clark Kent's former girlfriend, Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk)? It means this stupid teenager just forfeited the only piece of ass in the universe that can truthfully be dubbed "Buns of Steel"!

What is wrong with you teenagers?!? Don't you know that a juicy piece of cushion is a terrible thing to waste? Can't you see that a perfect "pound of ground round" doesn't come along every day? Why can't you understand that...

Goddammit! Don't you slam that door in my face! Open up RIGHT NOW, young man or lady, or it's NO MORE PIZZA FOR YOU!