Here's my problem with the Olympic Games:

(1) There is a shocking lack of nudity. From what I understand, during the old Greek days, the competitors were chucking their javelins, tossing their saucers, and engaging in sweaty wrestling matches completely in the buff. This is an awesome idea because, if nothing else, the Olympics are boooooooring!

(2) The Olympics are boooooooring! And the reason they're boooooooring is because the sports have nothing to do with the basic elements of survival. The ancient Greeks based their games on activities they did every day: throwing a javelin = killing a bear with a spear. Chucking a shot put = hitting someone on the head with a boulder. Tossing a discus = wives arguing with their husbands (in the olden days, ancient Greek ladies threw lamps as well as saucers).

If you're going to include non-survival sports, then at least you could pick activities more interesting than swimming, gymnastics, and basketball. Try these on for size, Olympic Committee!

* Dodge Ball!--Forget hockey... if you want to witness a true "miracle," imagine the USA firing a rubber ball right into the Soviet Union's nuts! Boo-YAH!

* Drunk Run!--I can't remember exactly what this game is called, but here's how it works. The competitors line up and shotgun a beer. Then they run 50 yards, put their foreheads on the end of a baseball bat, spin around five times, and try to run back without falling down and hitting their head on a rock. Try it, it's hee-larious!

* BB Gun Bull's-Eye!--I was really good at this game when I was a kid. The object of the game is to hit your opponent directly in the eye using a pump-action BB gun--WITHOUT PUTTING HIS EYE OUT. (The trick is to only pump three times, and wait until he blinks.)

Anyway, nobody ever listens to me about anything, so screw it. However, in the meantime, there are certain sports that are worth watching in this year's Olympic Games (For the complete schedule, go to NBCOLYMPICS.COM.) Here are MY picks....

* Badminton (Thurs Aug 19, 7 am, Bravo). It's entirely appropriate that badminton--the gayest of all competitive sports--is being broadcast on Bravo, the gayest of all cable networks. (Directly following this match will be men's hockey, featuring Pakistan vs. South Korea. GAY!)

* Synchronized Swimming (Tues Aug 24, 6:30 pm, Bravo). Whoops. Sorry. Just found something gayer.

* Women's Trampoline (Fri Aug 20, 8 pm, NBC). I don't have to defend this, do I? Let's just say the only Olympic sport that's sexier is...

* Men's Greco-Roman Wrestling (Wed Aug 25, 7 pm, CNBC). Or, if you prefer, there's women's wrestling on August 23 at 4:00 a.m. on MSNBC. And while some may call it sexist that women are scheduled to wrestle at 4:00 a.m., don't forget they're going to be nude! Hey, that ain't sexist--that's just SEXY!