You know, I'm not the kind of guy who is prone to rash behavior. But sometimes, when I think of the worthless hacks that run TV Guide, I want to cut my face off, eat a box of dirty hypodermic needles, and throw myself into a washing machine filled with poisonous gas and angry hornets. (I'll assume these particular hornets are immune to poisonous gas.)

Why's Humpy so huffy? OH! I'LL TELL YOU! Because every week I'm forced to endure the ridiculously stupid articles in this ridiculously stupid TV magazine. Would I enjoy an alternative to TV Guide? Yes, I would. Just as a bunny would enjoy an alternative to getting its leg lopped off in a metal-toothed trap. However, Mr. Bunny and I don't get that luxury, do we?!

Take last week's feature article, The 100 Most Memorable TV Moments, which presented an overview of events that supposedly left a lasting impression on viewers--like the OJ trial. Or the moon landing. Or the death of NASCAR racer Dale Earnhardt. Or Bill Clinton playing the saxophone on the Arsenio Hall show. Or how about locking me in a running car all night so I can peacefully die of carbon monoxide poisoning?! Can these people be any more boring? These are things I would much rather forget than waste my precious brain cells remembering.

And even worse, did TV Guide ask me for MY opinion? NO, THEY DID NOT. Why? 'Cause I'm too motherfawkin' rock and roll for them, motherfawka! They don't even want to KNOW the memories swirling around the commode of my skull. But you do, don't you? And that's why I will happily furnish you with a few of my top most memorable TV moments. Such as...

* JENNIFER GARNER IN A MATCHING BRA AND PANTY SET. This special episode of the hit TV show Alias was scheduled directly after the 2003 Super Bowl. And in order to lure in meathead viewers (such as myself), hottie-tottie spy Sydney Bristow (Garner) spent the first 10 minutes of the show strutting around in a skimpy black bra and panty set while cracking a whip. Uh... hello? The moon landing can BLOW me.

* PBS SHOWS LIVE BIRTH, WITH STRAIGHT-ON COOTER SHOT. I couldn't have been more than 8 years old, and I don't recall the name of the program. But while channel surfing, my young eyes stumbled upon a PBS show broadcasting the climax of a live birth--with the camera pointing straight at the woman's cootie-patootie. The lady was screaming and the baby came out covered in what looked like a mixture of motor oil and banana pudding. I silently got up, packed my bags, and told my mother I could never look at her again.

* ACTOR JOHN RITTER'S BALLS FALL OUT OF HIS SHORTS. Not too much to add here, but on an episode of Three's Company (one that has since been removed from syndication) Jack Tripper--dressed in a pair of skimpy gym shorts--suddenly plops down on the couch... and WHOOPEE! Out pops his junk. Forget Bill Clinton blowing a sax--John Ritter's scrotum is what true memories are made of!