I have questions: With so many things in this world that clearly lick donkey stick, why do people insist on remaking all the great movies and TV shows? What drives studios to redo such classics as Psycho, The Manchurian Candidate, The Amityville Horror, and (perhaps most grievously) The Beverly Hillbillies? And why do people always insist on remaking awesome TV shows--instead of improving all the crappy ones? And perhaps the most important question of all: Has anyone seen my car keys? They've been missing for three days, and YES, I've checked between the cushions of my couch and at the liquor store!

But back to the topic at hand, and my major malfunction with "remakes." There are currently 1,249 versions of Law & Order on the air, and yet the original show still BLOWS! Why not ax a couple hundred spin-offs and use the money to hire a couple of decent writers, so my head won't split open every time Sam Waterston opens his goddamn mouth?!? (Found my keys yet? NO?? AUUGGHGHH! I'm going freakin' bonkers here!)

Anyway, there's not one, not two, but THREE new shows airing this week, and all are remakes of classic, awesome shows. And yet, where's the remake of Family Matters? I'm telling you the world needs a new and improved Urkel!

The Office (NBC, 9:30, Thursday, March 24). Yes, it's an Americanized version of the funniest and most painfully uncomfortable workplace sitcom EVER, The Office. And while there's no way in hell the new NBC version can equal the hilarious pathos of the British original, it does have something going for it… namely Steve Carell (from The Daily Show, and the funniest thing in Anchorman). Playing the David Brent character (renamed Michael Scott), Carell is a master of the painfully uncomfortable silence--which the new version promises in spades. And though the first episode is eerily similar to the BBC series, look for brand-new and original scripts to follow. A remake that might actually make it? Judge for yourself.

Kojak (USA, 9 pm, Friday, March 25). The original Kojak starred Telly Savalas as the lollipop suckin', bald-headed crime-buster. In this hiphop remake, Ving Rhames (Pulp Fiction, Mission: Impossible) puts his spin on the brash NYC detective who's breaking all the rules. His only flaw? HE CARES TOO MUCH--a flaw that's somewhat similar to my own, which is why I DON'T GIVE A FAWK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FINDING MY KEYS.

Little House on the Prairie (ABC, 8 pm, Saturday, March 26). Here's an idea… if they're going to screw around with a classic, why not rewrite the BIBLE? According to the press release, this new update of Little House is "in no way based on the television show of the 1970s"--except of course for its NAME and the fact that it's on TELEVISION. Goddammit, these people are IDIOTS and if I ever run into these jackasses I swear I'm going to put my foot up their… Ow. OW. OWWWWWW!!!! Hey, no wonder I'm in such a bad mood. I was sitting on my keys the whole time!