When one's sex life is as varied as mine, it takes a lot to scare you. Let me tell you: I have seen and/or done it ALL. So this Halloween, if you're trying to frighten me by passing off a bowl of grapes as human eyeballs? Or wads of spaghetti as "brains"? That's not gonna cut it. I'm only scared by one thing—and that's REALITY. I'm frightened by backwards baseball hat-wearing dickwads driving 4X4 trucks. I'm frightened by the way Dick Cheney looks exactly like Penguin from the Batman comics, if you put him in a top hat and monocle. And I'm frightened by the look my doctor gives me when I show up accompanied by two strippers and chewing a chicken fried steak.

HOWEVER! There's one thing that scares me even more than a crazed ex-lover stalking me with a broken beer bottle. AND IT'S RACHAEL RAY'S NECK.

Originally discovered by Oprah (who also infected the world with the heinous Dr. Phil), Rachael Ray has gone from smalltime cooking show host to a bazillion dollar industry, hosting programs such as 30-Minute Meals, as well as her syndicated afternoon snooze fest, Rachael Ray. But that's not all! She's also published at least 11 cookbooks, as well as her own magazine, entitled, Everyday with Rachael Ray. Am I jealous? YOU BET YOUR ASS! But that doesn't lessen the horror of her gravelly voice, honking laugh, stupid catchphrases (Yum-O!), and especially... her super creepy looking neck!

If you've never seen her neck (or lack thereof), please consult the inset photo labeled "NECK." As you will note, Rachael Ray's neck is exactly one-quarter inch long. How a short, stumpy neck like that can support her massive watermelon head is beyond me. I mean, the sheer weight of her teeth alone should send her bloated noggin crashing down to the earth. In short, that's one short neck.

SO IMAGINE MY SHOCK, SURPRISE AND ACCUMULATING HORROR when I was in the grocery store and spotted Rachael Ray's photo on the back of a Triscuit box—and her normally midget-y neck had mysteriously quadrupled in size! (Actually, it more than quadrupled... I just can't think of a word that means more than quadrupled. Maybe... multi-rupled?) Please consult the inset photo labeled "FREAK NECK." After carefully comparing these two necks, I feel confidant you will join me in squealing...


I have two theories: (1) She had a neck lift. That's a medical procedure wherein plastic surgeons take bones from your ankles and meat from your titties to artificially elongate your neck. (I would hypothesize that she also had some additional "work" done to her face—but her titties don't appear much smaller.) Or (2) she half-swallowed an entire cheese log—which was probably made on one of her crappy shows. Regardless of how she acquired her "FREAK NECK," all I know is that it "freaks" me out! That's why on this Halloween, I'm dressing up as the scariest thing ever, "Rachael Ray's Neck." (So if you see a six-foot tall, flesh-colored cylindrical object hopping around, please do not refer to me as a penis. I'm Rachael Ray's neck.)