Jeremy Eaton

OMMFG! R U SO XCITED @ THE NU "90210"? ROTF! (Okay, look. I hate this new "text messaging" language as much as anyone—but if the boss says, "Lure in the 14-to-25-year-old demographic, or it's YOUR ASS!" then I certainly don't want it to be my ass. I would much rather it be someone else's ass, even though a recent poll has shown that my ass is preferred almost two to one over the average person's ass. I hope they mean this in a sexy way.) Anyway! We'll get to the newest incarnation of

Beverly Hills, 90210 in just a moment... but first, it's time for...


Top TV Pick #1™: Smallville (CW, Thurs 8 pm). This week, the super-hot Supergirl finally teaches Clark how to fly. Yes, this is the same Supergirl who conveniently contracted amnesia, yet inconveniently remembered to keep her clothes on. This show needs to get their priorities straight.

Top TV Pick #2™: Battlestar Galactica (SCI FI, Fri 10 pm). Do teenagers like Battlestar Galactica? Well, if not... SCREW 'EM! The brand-new season starts on April 4 (EEEE!!), and if you're a BSG n00b, then catch up with tonight's retrospective that encapsulates all three seasons in 30 minutes. Still no time? Then I'll encapsulate it in five words: Never trust a sexy robot.

Top TV Pick #3™: Hell's Kitchen (FOX, Tues 9 pm). Top Chef's retarded cousin is back for another season of untalented fast food cooks being verbally lambasted by d-head British chef Gordon Ramsay. Even better? In this episode, one of the cook's dishes makes Ramsay vomit onto a diner's table (which improves the taste of the food considerably).

NOW. On to the most thrilling news of recent days, the CW is planning a NEW version of our old favorite, Beverly Hills, 90210! EEEEEEEE! 2 much! LOL! 2G2BT! Wait... what?!? You're too young to remember 90210? That's like never having heard of the Bible or Punky Brewster! Okay. So Beverly Hills, 90210 was only THE most awesome teen drama of the '90s, which starred evil Shannen Doherty and dreamy Jason Priestley as twins who move from the Midwest to attend West Beverly Hills High School, and experiment with drugs, sex, teen suicide, and wild music at the Peach Pit. Plus there was a slut (Jennie Garth), a virgin (Tori "HA!" Spelling), and a 45-year-old with hair implants (Luke Perry).

Anyway, I think those guys died or something. I don't know. The important thing is that the new 90210 is set to debut this fall, and will be penned by Rob Thomas, who created Veronica Mars! Again... EEEEEEE! This one will also center around a Midwestern family who moves to Beverly Hills, but focuses on the serious issues affecting teens TODAY... such as text messaging, buying iPhones, looking cute, auditioning for American Idol, watching High School Musical a billion times, and sending old people to death camps.

So in conclusion, the new 90210 is going to be my newest BF 4EVAH! ROTFLUTS! (((H))) TGIF! 0;-) L8RG8R! I have no idea what I just said.