Jeremy Eaton

There's one hard and fast rule of fame that every celebrity should know: You can't make money if you're DEAD. However, this simple (and I would say obvious) rule is being ignored by today's celebs. Take, for example, the newest reality competition debuting this week, Celebrity Circus (NBC, Wed June 11, 9:30 pm), in which a bunch of clueless has-beens compete to see who's the best under the big top.

Why is this a bad idea? Imagine for a moment that I'm a celebrity. (This shouldn't be very difficult, as I am, in fact, a celebrity.) Now, there are several very apparent clues informing me that if I choose to participate in this show, I may very well DIE. The clues are as follows:

1. Celebrity Circus is hosted by Joey "The Fat One" Fatone, who as we all know kills everything he touches. There was *NSYNC, that stupid show The Singing Bee, and while Dancing with the Stars may not be officially dead, it's currently coughing up blood in a filthy Taiwanese hospital.

2. Celebrity Circus stars a bevy of Z-list celebs such as Antonio Sabato Jr. (Melrose Place), Christopher Knight (The Brady Bunch), former supermodel Rachel Hunter, and Jason "Wee Man" Acuña (Jackass). Not only have these people been professionally dead for years, they are nothing if not EXPENDABLE.

3. "Circus" is a Latin word which literally means "tumbling from a wire 90 feet high and crushing your spinal column into dust." I'm still looking up the Latin word for "spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair that you can only control via a stick in your mouth."

As my argument conclusively proves, there's a very good chance that every cast member of this show may die a horrible, grisly death. But even worse? WHAT IF THEY DON'T? I have it on good authority that the celebrities mentioned above will be doing only sissy-fied newfangled circus acts, or as they are more commonly known, "acrobatics." Sure, it might be momentarily distracting to witness the 70-pound Wee Man trying to catch the 190-pound Peter Brady on the flying trapeze—but where the FAWK are the circus acts I've come to know and love? FOR FAWKING EXAMPLE!

1. Why isn't Rachel Hunter jumping a donkey off a 100-foot-high platform into a thimble of freezing water? Now, you may call this "cruelty to animals," to which I would respond, "Oh, c'mon! Rachel Hunter isn't that ugly."

2. Why isn't Wee Man being shot out of a cannon, flying the length of a football field, and landing in a pile of broken glass, rusty razor blades, and monkey feces? He did more dangerous things than that on Jackass, and besides, it's scientifically impossible for midgets to get hurt... they don't have enough body mass.

3. And why isn't Antonio Sabato Jr. juggling Molotov cocktails blindfolded while standing up on a motorcycle that's going 80 miles per hour inside a spike-covered giant steel ball over a tank of ravenous sharks that have been genetically engineered to throw knives, shoot missiles out of their bottoms, and invade Poland?