Jeremy Eaton

Let's be honest: Would it be that horrible if the Japanese invaded and took over our country? THINK ABOUT IT! Everything we do, Japan does in infinitely more entertaining ways. For example, adults read comic books here, but adults read DIRTY comic books there! Yes, we have toilet paper dispensers... but the Japanese have toilet paper dispensers with built-in iPod docks! We certainly have vending machines—but we certainly do NOT have vending machines that sell entire meals, booze, fresh flowers, porn, eggs, and panties! Oh, and lest we forget: We like robots, but Japan LOVES robots. In fact, Japan doesn't give TWO CRAPS that these 30-foot-tall clanking automatons will eventually turn us into fur loincloth-wearing slaves! (And for that matter, neither do I.)

And naturally, they have much better television as well. If you doubt it, simply search for "Japanese game show" on YouTube, and prepare to have your brain blown out of your head, covering your coffee table with juicy pink cerebellum. Happily, however, America is FINALLY coming to grips with Japan's television superiority, and doing what any Western superpower would do: stealing all the good shows for ourselves!

If for some idiotic reason your cable or satellite provider isn't furnishing you with the G4 network, you're missing out on some sweet Japanese goodness. Usually devoted to the subject of video-games, G4 also has two hilariously addictive Japanese imports: Ninja Warrior (9 pm, weekdays) and Unbeatable Banzuke (8:30 pm, weekdays). In Ninja Warrior, a practically impossible obstacle course thwarts an unending line of gymnasts and fitness freaks (as well as ordinary citizens, many of whom wear superhero outfits and tutus). Meanwhile, Unbeatable Banzuke also features obstacle courses, but instead of climbing vertical walls and swinging on ropes, the challenges are far more ridiculous, such as almost getting crushed by a gigantic rolling ball and racing tricycles across a sponge bridge. In other words, Japan is uniquely vested in people busting some ass.

But wait! There's even more ass busting fun debuting this week on ABC! Based on any number of Japanese game shows, the aptly named Wipeout (debuting Tues, June 24, 8 pm) features "the world's largest obstacle course" with one crucial difference—it's designed to leave every competitor flat on the ground with a bloody, aching booty. Then at 9 pm, there's the debut of I Survived a Japanese Gameshow, which is kind of like The Amazing Race of ass busting. Ten clueless Americans arrive in Tokyo to compete in a series of bizarre Japanese game show challenges. There's "Why Is This Food So Hard to Eat?" (Mmm... could it be because the meal is attached to the head of someone running as fast as they can on a treadmill, while a teammate tries to eat from the moving dish?) Then there's "Big Bugs Splat on Windshield," wherein contestants dress up as big bugs, and... well, you can guess the rest.

So lay down your weapons, America! Our country is going to be so much more fun with Japan running the show. (Wait... how much are they charging for those vending machine panties? FORGET IT!!)