As you have probably already surmised, I am immensely talented. Oh, sure, I write this stupid TV column that annoys you week after week—but I'm also highly regarded in many circles as an "all-around entertainer." Example: Do you ever go to Vegas? If you do, then you've obviously seen at least a billion billboards for entertainer Danny Gans. This singer/dancer/comedian/impressionist regularly performs at the Mirage, and has been awarded such accolades as "Entertainer of the Year."


I effing hate Danny Gans, because that jerkwipe has MY mothereffing job! It should be ME on those billboards! It should be ME winning awards! And it should be ME making all those Vegas audiences scream with orgasmic delight at the sheer awesomeness of my entertaining shenanigans. AND YET? Here I sit! Writing stoopid TV columns as my immense talent slowly wilts on the vine. Meanwhile, that effing Danny Gans is making billions of dollars, snorting cocaine off the augmented boobs of showgirls, and sucking up the spotlight that is rightfully mine! That's HORSE HOCKEY, my friends, HORSE... HOCKEY!!

So here's my plan: I will have Danny Gans murdered. Eventually. But first, I will demonstrate to the world that Danny Gans is a charlatan whose so-called "talent" is laughably miniscule compared to the gigantic, throbbing fountain of virtuosity that I regularly spew all over the stage! (Then people won't care so much that he's been murdered.)

How will I force the world to recognize my ginormous talent? Happily, the answer is debuting this week on Comedy Central. It's The Gong Show with Dave Attell (Thurs July 17, 10 pm), which, if you know your TV history, is a remake/continuation of the classic and hilarious talent show originally hosted by Chuck Barris—AND GUESS WHO'S GOING TO AUDITION? (That would be me.)

Still shaking your head in confusion? Featuring the most bizarre of acts, The Gong Show was one of the most talked about TV programs of the 1970s. A myriad of so-called talents—including the Unknown Comic, Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, and (my personal favorite) "Two 17-Year-Old Girls Sucking Popsicles"—would perform in front of judges such as Jamie Farr, Phyllis Diller, and J.P. Morgan. If the act was good, it would be awarded up to 30 points. If the act stunk? The judges would strike a gigantic gong, and the performer would bathe in the national tub of humiliation.

The latest incarnation of The Gong Show promises to follow in these great footsteps—with more B-list judges (such as Andy Dick, Adam Carolla, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog), untoward jokes from host/comedian Dave Attell, and performers such as one featured in the first episode billing herself as "Queen La Queefa" who... well... okay. Just Google "queef" and you'll get a pretty good idea of what her talent entails.

As for me, I don't need to queef in order to astound the world. While I refuse to spoil the surprise of my upcoming appearance, let's just say it will involve singing, dancing, comedy, impressions, and a special surprise ending that includes me stabbing Danny Gans in the neck with a screwdriver. Las Vegas... HERE I COME!