Meat eaters rejoice! I mean it. Rejoice right now! Why? Because the good people at Jarvis Products Corporation recently unveiled their latest meat harvesting technological dream machine (drum roll please ) the Jarvis Model SHC 165G Hydraulically Powered Spinal Cord Remover! With this baby in use, the time from feet-to-meat-to-eat is practically cut in half! And it's as easy as pulling the cord on an old Johnson outboard motor!

According to the literature (and who doesn't appreciate good literature?), the Jarvis SHC utilizes the latest spine sucking patented technology "for grinding away BSE risk material, including the spinal cord and the meninges (spinal cord skin). It operates connected to a vacuum system that also collects removed spinal cord material for quick & easy disposal! And try not to drool over these fantastic features: "Lightweight, powerful (2.5 hp) hydraulic motor--no bogging down or motor icing; low noise and instant stop. Heavy-duty gears made to withstand the extreme conditions. Rugged construction provides unsurpassed durability. And, it meets national and international requirements for hygiene and safety!

This hand-held beauty beats the shit out of a rusty old chainsaw any day!

Known for producing a variety of innovative meat eviscerating wonders such as Lung Guns, Head Cutters, Neck Breakers, Electric Feather (or pubic hair) Pickers, Esophagus Sealers, and everyone's favorite: The Jarvis Model BRE-1 pneumatically powered BUNG RING EXPANDER, Jarvis Products are the perfect tools for ugly jobs.

Assuming most It Sure Is A Scientific World readers are avid hunting enthusiasts, just imagine the look on your posse's faces the next time you go killin' packing along some of these chop-job babies! While your buddies Billybud & Fleetus Balewire hack away at their tree-hung mule deer carcasses for hours with Buck knives and Phillips screwdrivers, you'll have your cadaver cut down from the tree in minutes, ready to pack and freeze!

And just in case you're wondering, no, this isn't a paid product placement--although I wouldn't kick a free Bung Ring Expander out of my bed! Are ya listening, Jarvis?