When we wake up together in the morning, DON'T respond to the question "What's for breakfast?" with either of the following cunning remarks: "Cock sandwich." "I've got your breakfast in my pants."

DON'T throw condoms at me while I'm sitting on your couch watching TV. This is not the way to approach me about sex.

DON'T hump my leg in the middle of the night.

DO slide down banisters.

DO remember that my head is NOT a steering wheel.

DO buy me shit.

DON'T offer me money to seduce your brother.

DON'T bark at me, even if I am on my hands and knees.

DO shave your hipster goatee! Please! It may look good but it's hell on wheels in the sack. (Feel the burn.)

DON'T grab my crotch on the street. Especially don't grab my crotch on the street if I barely know you, asshole.

Contrary to popular belief, "You need to leave," does not mean "Take your pants off." So DON'T you dare start to unzip.