TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICEMAIL: "Hey. My name is Kenneth. You have an article that says 'Teachers Are Fucked!' [Jerry Masterson, Jan 16] and it has a picture of an 8-year-old kid smiling and I don't understand you people, man. You sit there and you print something like this, you know? Whatever, freedom of speech or whatever, it's garbage. I don't appreciate seeing this. It's really offending. I don't know, but just because a kid has a mouth, he shouldn't be able to use it like this. Maybe there's something wrong with you guys. I don't care what you tell me, this is wrong, and I would appreciate not seeing this ever again. You guys should grow up. This is not funny, and it's pretty degrading. Matter of fact, your paper is worthless. And I'm not going to say thank you, because there ain't no thank you involved."
SHUT UP, GRAMPY! I WANNA ROCK!
TO THE EDITOR: While I don't dispute your assessment of Robert Mailer Anderson as a "self-absorbed gasbag" ["Letters," Feb 13], I do think he's right about Justin Sanders' tendency to talk out of his ass. None of your other writers are quite so good at making me scratch my head in bafflement, not even Julianne Shepherd.
What really baffles me is Sanders' obvious non-understanding of the entire concept of ROCK MUSIC. He sounds like my grandparents with his constant whining about the abrasiveness of the guitars, or the incomprehensibility of the lyrics. I half expect him to start rhapsodizing about Glenn Miller and Benny Goodman for chrissakes. And then--also like my grandparents--he won't shut up on the subject! Write about something else and let us all rock out in peace!
YOU LOVE CASTRO? WHY NOT MARRY HIM?
TO THE MERCURY: Jesus Cristo Julianne! One movie and you're on the Fidel bandwagon [Film, "In the People We Trust," Feb 13]? Don't make the classic mistake of confusing charisma for leadership. In spite of your one sentence acknowledgement of some, shall we say, "problems" with suppressing free speech that you, like, "wholeheartedly disagree with," those issues cannot be shoved aside quite so easily. Having been to Cuba, I can say that his type of leadership we don't need, whether you lean left or not. He is a liar who promised freedom but settled for power.
HOBOS MAKE BETTER LOVERS
DEAR EDITOR: Your sex survey was indeed a shining light to all us hobos ["Sex Survey 2003," Feb 13]. We have been persecuted long before the Jews, Blacks, Indians, and artists. We read (surprised?) with delight about the purported 27% of your audience that has made out with our kind. To the 70% that hasn't experienced the intense thrill of making out with a hobo, we say step down to our level, cast all your reservations aside, and experience how the other half lives. You may not be glad you did, but we will.
Hamford Chrysler, under the Burnside Bridge
DEAR MERCURY: It was with a mixture of shock, alarm, and deep disappointment that I read in your sex survey ["Sex Survey Results 2003," Feb 13] of the extreme disparity between blowjobs and clit-licking occurring in this fair city of ours. As a Portland male, I am mortified that my brethren have been shirking their rug-munching responsibilities.
I call on all Portland males (and adventurous females) to join me in a crusade to correct this injustice. The brave women of Portland deserve better. They routinely risk lockjaw, asphyxiation, and even ruined makeup in their selfless quest to ensure our Constitutional access to blowjobs. And yet, their thighs remain a-quiver in anticipation that their efforts will be duly recognized and rewarded.
Here are a few simple tips we each can put into practice:
1) Shave that goatee. It tickles.
2) The next time you're going to tip your waitress, actually tip your waitress.
3) Practice holding your breath. Time yourself.
4) Think of your girlfriend as a decorative hat.
I firmly believe that with vigilance and dedication, we can correct this gender disparity within, say, a week or so.
CONGRATS TO EL BRUCÉ for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week" and two free passes to the Laurelhurst Theater!