HOLA JULIANNE: Yo soy muy admiradora de ustedes y me gustaria tener sus videos y fotos y saber mucho mas de ustedes. [Music, "Hot Underage Lesbionic Russians,Ó Julianne Shepherd, in which Julianne expounds on the teen lesbian pop group t.A.T.u. This writer apparently thinks Julianne is a member of the group.] Les voy a pedir un consejo ojala me lo puedan respoder. Ustedes que cree le deberia contar a mi mamá que soy bisexual y como.
Bueno fue un agrado poder mandarles este mensaje.
Pd: tengo unos amigos que disen que me paresco a ti julia y que mi pareja se parese a lena. Me encanta T.a.t.u. Chaooo!
Stefany, Santiago, Chile
LETTER FROM A PSYCHIC
TO THE EDITOR: It's irresponsible for you to print letters from thieves ["I, Anonymous,Ó Aug 28]. Whatever your opinion of "spoiled young folksÓ with designer purses and Hello Kitty merchandise, theft is a crime; and this week's "I, AnonymousÓ is offensive in it's sneeringly implicit support of said crime. What's next: a column devoted to a proudly unapologetic rapist or killer? Get with it.
The editor responds: We don't quite know how to tell you this, AnonymousÉ but please see page 49.
PUT ROMANO ON A LEASH
TO THE MERCURY: Look, I understand you people are rabidly liberal, and I've learned to ignore it. Being a libertarian, "live and let liveÓ is more my style. But Jesus Christ, can't someone put a fucking leash on Ann Romano ["One Day at a Time,Ó page 5]?
The incessant, bitchy, patronizing, holier-than-thou Bush jokes I can skip over, and, while they disgust me, I can tolerate the narrow-minded quips about Arnold. I believe in having a free press, and although Ann Romano is prejudiced, elitist, and sensationalist, she should still have the right to write whatever she wants.
But to actually cite that UC Berkeley shit as conclusive evidence [Aug 28, in which a study purports that conservatism is a psychological condition.]? Good God. OF COURSE UC Berkeley found conservatives to be fearful, aggressive, and dogmatic. OF COURSE UC Berkeley says that Hitler and Rush Limbaugh work the same fucking way. For fuck's sake, we all know Berkeley is the Mecca of liberalism, and there's no reason to pretend the study wasn't biased.
What really gets me, though, is that the study writes conservatives off as basically inferior to "others.Ó Assuming this is true (which it sure as fuck isn't)--why does it matter? I thought liberals were supposed to be the tolerant ones.
PBR RULES, GUNTHER DROOLS
DEAR EDITOR: I can understand allowing letters like Christian Gunther's (what a tard-o name) in each week to stir the shit up and make for some emotionally engaging reading ["Letters,Ó Aug 28, in which Gunther pooh-poohs PBR]. This ambiguously named hater has no clue what time it is, because it's been PBR time for the last few hazily recollected years.
PBR wasn't made popular by the indie rockers, the Hawthorne/Belmont kids, graffiti writers, or even the whole of North East Portland; Nope, it was made popular by poverty stricken alcoholics like me. There's nothing SNOOTY about shotgunning four PBR's before church, or seeing how many half racks $78 will getcha.
Taste wise, it's no goddamn Bass Pale Ale, but it's not a UA in a can neither. We don't drink it to appreciate the bouquet and savor the texture, we drink it until we vomit on your neighbor's yard and pass out on some Korean guy's floor. We drink it because after five dollars worth you're screaming "FUCK COLIN FARRELL!! JOAN JETT ROCKS, BABY!!!Ó
So, Cpt. Christian Gunther, I say to you, you can drink your $8 six pack (make sure to turn the label so everyone else knows what you're drinking). I'm happy and already drunk with four extra dollars in my pocket. If you don't like the corporate ties, you're pretty screwed because this is the U-S-of-A, so why not sit back and crack open a can of Portland's mostest favoritest beer. Stop bitching you elitist scumbag, and choke on your yuppie swill.
CONGRATS TO TOM who wins the Mercury "Letter of the WeekÓ which includes two passes to the Laurelhurst Theater, two tickets to see The Walkmen at Dante's on September 20, and two free Hot Yoga passes from Yoga Union on SE 50th (to help "sweat outÓ the PBR).
DEPT. OF "HEYÉ THAT AIN'T RIGHT!"
In our August 28th Fall Arts Guide, we listed the upcoming Reading Frenzy event Diptych as being on September 9th. HeyÉ that ain't right! It is supposed to be on Saturday, September 20. So go see it then, and do something else on Tuesday.