TO THE EDITORS, ESPECIALLY PHIL BUSSE: While walking around downtown Friday evening (May 14), I couldn't help noticing all the cars with colorful "Phil Busse for Mayor" propaganda fliers tucked under their windshield wipers. I also couldn't help noticing this represented a criminal act. That's right, Phil: In Portland's City Charter, in the section titled "Trespassing: Leaving Pamphlet on Vehicle," it states: "It is unlawful for any person to post, stick, or place upon or within any motor vehicle any card, notice, handbill, leaflet, pamphlet, survey, or similar matter without the consent of the owner or operator."
Congratulations, Phil! What other candidate can say they were willing to break the law countless times in their bid to get the job?
MY DAD'S A PRICK, TOO!
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: I'd like to thank William Gardner for his recent article regarding his brain tumor, and its effect on his persona ["My Tumor and Me," May 13, in which Will claims his tumor made him an insufferable prick]. My Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor 15 years ago (and is still with us). While we love him, he really can be an insufferable prick sometimes. Pretty often, really.
But remember, as Woody Allen said, the most beautiful words in the English language are not, "I love you," but rather, "It's benign." If you think you're bad now, a malignancy would have made you a real motherfucker.
MAKE LOVE TO STARBUCKS, NOT WAR
TO THE MERCURY: So someone firebombed a Starbucks [News, May 13]. I'm sure Wal-Mart is happy that Starbucks is the new hip place to protest. But let me offer a reminder to all those small espresso places that are threatened by this amazingly successful chain. If it wasn't for Starbucks, you wouldn't exist.
Face it, before Starbucks made coffee drinks hip, you would either get coffee at a 7-11, or try to remember the difference between an espresso and cappuccino at a fancy Italian restaurant. It was only after Starbucks became trendy did people realize they could make money selling different combinations of coffee and milk. So I think it's time for all the mom-and-pop places that seem to be making a bundle off the trend, to give Starbucks a big ol' kiss on the lips.
WHEREFOR ART THOU, KERRY?
TO THE EDITOR: I'm pissed as hell you didn't cover John Kerry's visit to Portland last week. Your paper reaches young people who everyone and their mother is trying to turn into voters, and one of the biggest national political events of the year doesn't even get a mention?
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: Hey Albert! See page 11 for a solid kick in the ass to the Kerry campaign.
CULT ADS: NOW HALF PRICE
TO THE MERCURY: I was dismayed to read your fawning review of What the Fuck Do We Know?, the supposed "documentary" currently showing at the Bagdad [Film Shorts, May 20]. The regrettable truth is that the film is packed full of nonsensical pseudo-science apocryphal to anyone with even a basic understanding of quantum mechanics.
I will refrain from specifics as they are probably far too complicated for most of your readers, but the trigger that should set off the bullshit detector of any jackass is the frequent inclusion in the movie of commentary by the charlatan "Ramtha." Research into this abomination reveals her to be the alter-ego of one JZ Knight, who claims to be able to channel a 35,000-year-old superhuman "spirit warrior" and charges thousands of dollars a shot to witness her uneducated hippie babbling. Furthermore, "Ramtha" hosts a "school of enlightenment" currently pupiled by none other than the filmmakers of this very movie, as their web page reveals.
Congratulations. You're advertising for a cult.
I demand that you advise potential movie-goers that their ticket will be funding a cult whose sociopathic spokeswoman rivals that of the Raelians for sheer creepiness, and who in reality does not know very fucking much about quantum physics after all.
CONGRATS TO OLIVER for winning the Mercury "Letter of the Week." He gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst and two passes to see Local H and Nebula at the Ash Street on June 5. Hail Ramtha!
IS YOUR PET GAY?
Hey Readers! Does your pet regularly engage in homosexual behavior? We want to hear from you! Send a short description of your pet's gay antics to firstname.lastname@example.org.