TO THE EDITOR: I feel the need to respond to J.C. Gillespie's letter ["Letters," Sept. 16, in which J.C. queries, "If all politicians are liars, why shouldn't we vote for Bush?"), because it contained a couple of points actually based in reality.
A. Yes, all politicians lie. The difference is that at least the Democrats respect my intelligence enough to TRY and make the lie sound feasible. Keeping that in mind, politics are really just about picking the lesser of two evils.
B. American's DO support an economy that "kills brown babies abroad." Because I, like millions of other Americans, live paycheck to paycheck, I shop where I can get the cheapest goods. Do I know that the $10 pair of jeans I bought at Wal-Mart was more than likely made by a child in Mexico for "slave wages"? Yes. Does it bother me? Yes. Is there anything I can do about it other than spending more money (that I don't have) at a store that advertises itself as sweatshop free? No. Unless you are rich the ONLY way you have a voice is to vote for what you feel is right.
C. Yes, we are all the same "Ugly Americans to anyone who has been east of Jersey City," but the idea that since America has ass-fucked the world for so long that the only way we can survive is to continue to do so is so fucking stupid it made me question the reality of your letter. Now that I've made that point clear, let me speak to you as I would a child who continues to color on the wall after being told that it was wrong... STOP THAT!!! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
THE LITERATE PRICK
TO THE MERCURY: This J.C. fellow ["Letters," Sept. 16] is an insufferable prick, to be sure, but his writings are impeccable! For that reason alone, you should all rethink your stance on the incumbent candidate--I know I have! Kudos to J.C. and to George W. Bush. May the best ass-fucker-of-the-world win!
HOW TO KILL A ZOMBIE
TO THE EDITOR: Of all the fucked up and irresponsible lies ever used to sell beer and sex ads, the worst has to be your horridly misrepresented "Zombie Issue" ["How to Kill a Zombie," Sept. 16]. For one, it is patently false that decapitation will de-animate the undead. The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain itself by smashing it to bits. A baseball bat is the ideal tool for this act of mercy. Secondly, don't deny that zombies are in fact capable of high-level brain functions, enabling them to operate cell phones, hold down jobs as feature writers, and invade small, oil-rich countries for personal profit. Do not let their blank stares conceal their essentially rotten intentions: they want to eat your brains. I, for one, am never going to walk down Hawthorne again without a fire axe or at least a camping hatchet, and I would advise your readership to consider doing likewise.
Billie Jean Reuter
HOW TO KILL A ZOMBIE II
HEY MERCURY: I thought your "Zombie Issue" was great-- but I think you may have given your readers bad advice. In your "How to Kill a Zombie" guide [Sept. 16, Erik Henriksen], you list burning as an effective way to dispatch a zombie. Your advice for protection was to hit them with a "Molotov cocktail" from a far enough distance so they will burn to cinders before they get you.
Are you INSANE?! Look, zombies don't feel pain. So igniting a zombie on fire basically gives you a relentless walking torch that wants to eat you. Let's say a person throws a Molotov Cocktail from 50 feet away into a mob of zombies, lighting them all on fire in a cool explosion. Now that person is only 50 feet (and closing!!) away from an entire burning horde that doesn't CARE it's burning to cinders. You could try outrunning the zombies, but we all KNOW where that leads. Fire isn't your friend in the battle against zombies. Decapitation, bludgeoning the head, and exploding are the most effective ways of dispatching lifeless family members shambling towards you trying to taste your succulent brainmeats. For further information try reading Max Brooks' "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead."
For God's sake people, save the Molotov and get yourself a machete!
CONGRATULATIONS TO DOGSOUP THE ZOMBIE KILLER, for winning the Mercury's "Letter of the Week." For his impassioned advice, DogSoup will receive two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater as well as two passes to see Fu Manchu at Bossanova on Friday, Sept. 24!