[A NOTE FROM EDITOR WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: Hey readers! For one week only, we've turned over the reins of the Mercury to our most loyal readers--the Portland Mercury Users' Group Yahoo! Group (see page 5 for details!). They'll be taking a critical look at our paper, which could be fascinating… or really boring. Who knows? Regardless of how it comes out, they're in charge and making all the decisions this week. That means I can get drunk, and laugh when all the angry letters roll in. Good luck, suckers!] THE JONBENET SACRED COW CLUB TO THE EDITOR VIA VOICE MAIL: "Hi, my name is Trevor. I read the "JonBenet Ramsey Street Team" column ["New Column!" Feb 3], and was pretty aghast. I'm used to tongue-in-cheek humor, but I was really disturbed you printed the photo of a little girl who was kidnapped and murdered and tried to make it some type of comic parody. Normally I just consider it bad taste, but this is so above and beyond that I've decided to contact all the Mercury advertisers and ask them to recuse themselves from publishing ads with you. This is the only way to really have an impact on a publication that thinks it's okay to do things this horrible. Thank you, bye."

PMUGYG RESPONDS: Hi Trevor. Wow, you're really pissed, huh? Well, we at the PMUGYG applaud your "take action" attitude. Seriously, you should join our organization! http://groups. yahoo.com/group/portlandmercuryusersgroup/ I DISLIKE MIDGETS HELLO LOVENOTES: I was disgusted to see you feature some greasy midget wrestler who likes to flaunt his gold crap to women ["Baby… You Nasty!", Jan 27, about local wrestler Lil Nasty]. I only wish Portland would stop warming up to irrelevant characters who in the end won't become anything other than a cheap attraction in a bar. Staged wrestling takes up space we need to gawk at women. Though if he got drunk and started challenging 25-year-old OHSU grad students then perhaps my mind would change. But fuckin'- a, Mercury! Please understand what is understanding and what is just plain rubbish.

Ross Goldman

PMUGYG RESPONDS: Professional wrestlers use the guise of conflict to showcase the magnificent human form and execute choreographed displays of mock battle. It may appear to be to be lowest common denominator entertainment, but much like Shakespeare, it operates on many levels, and if you see it simply... Gawking at women is crass, midget wrestling is art. DOWN WITH FECES EATERS! TO THE MERCURY: Love the unbiased comments in your "Too Little, Too Late" article [Feb 3, in which Scott Moore presents theories on why the anti-gay marriage ban passed]. You blame it on "voter stupidity?" It could be that some of us just dislike people who are familiar with the flavor of human feces, and we dislike pedophiles adopting their own private play toys.

We are supposed to allow sick unions and pay the bill, too? Yeah, we're intolerant… you bet yer oversized bung, bud.


PMUGYG RESPONDS: Dan, why do you even read the Mercury? Seriously, email me (merc-analysis@kmikeym.com). This isn't a trick, I really want to know. SELF-RIGHTEOUS CONTEMPT 101 DEAR DEMIGOD W.M.S. HUMPHREY: Please forgive my ignorance ["Letters," Feb 3, in which Benno chastised the Mercury for fighting with Basic Rights Oregon, and Wm. Steven Humphrey called Benno a "horseshit namby-pamby"]. I forgot in my moment of frustration that, in fact, the Mercury always knows the most "intelligent" political strategy in any given situation. -- Anyone who favors a positive vision, in any form, is a "horseshit namby-pamby." Previously, I only saved my vicious snarls for right-wing fundamentalists, but now I realize I should actively and publicly insult all leftist groups that don't operate exactly as I want them to. -- Please teach me the ways of self-righteous contempt, so I can sneer at all positive thinkers!

Benno Lyon

PMUGYG RESPONDS: Benno, you got it!! You SHOULD actively and publicly call bullshit on any leftist organization you think is not operating to its fullest potential. Including the Portland Mercury! In fact, that's what this issue is all about! And because you "get it," you win the PMUGYG "Letter of the Week" which includes Laurelhurst tickets as well as two passes to see the Joel RL Phelps Downer Trio at Dante's on Feb 24. Good work, grasshopper.