DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: I'm a 17-year-old Canadian who began to read your paper over my Easter break, which I spent in Oregon with my aunt and uncle. I'd just like to tell you that if your paper rocked any harder, I don't think my mortal eyes could comprehend it. I don't even live in the States, let alone Portland, and I can't stop reading it. Is it wrong at my age that I aspire to be just like Dan Savage?
Oh, and to the various insufferable morons who keep writing in to express their ill-informed, barely legible complaints: Fuck off and die. Perhaps if you could muster the brain capacity to really think about what you were reading, you'd realize it was the best satire ever to pass through your grubby paws.
From one of your biggest fans,
PORTLAND IS NOT HEAVEN
DEAR MERCURY AND HER READERS: For the past few days I've been bombarded by emails asking me if Sean Brooks from Minmae is indeed "dead" like my guest spot in Zac Pennington's column said ["It's Who You Know," April 28]. To clarify, the "better place" I was referring to was Portland, not heaven. The article was about how Sean and Minmae have fared better in Portland than in San Diego and that final line was supposed to tie that up. So, stop emailing me, you frickin' retards, or I'll be forced to send angry bees after you. Bees from GRESHAM, at that. Gresham bees have nothing to lose and shit out Shlitz beer and motor oil instead of honey. Tremble, unwashed masses...
Adam Gnade, Mercury freelancer-at-large
FLUSH YOUR NEWS EDITOR
DEAR MR. BUSSE: Unfortunately, you've fallen victim to the subjective biases infused in your "reporting." ["Unbelievable: PDC Ignores Public Opinion on Burnside," News, May 5] This is just one of the problems with the Merc's decision to publish your opinion pieces as news. From the beginning, you've reported this story wearing blinders.
Regardless, the O's architecture writer wrote a balanced piece on the PDC's Burnside Bridge decision. He too expressed surprise and concern, but offered reasonable explanations. As an aside, the fact that the "public" (namely, the miniscule number of attendees at these hearings) may share your views is irrelevant to whether the actual public does.
Just like the FCC should not rubberstamp public input from a small group of religious wackos, the PDC should not necessarily accept the views of a small group of attendees merely based on the fact that the attendees happen to be the ones who care enough to be present.
In closing, YOU SUCK ASS. I beg the Mercury to renew the opportunity to bid on your toilet cleaning services. After this latest burst of tripe from your fingertips, I will pay anything to have you clean the residue of one of my hot steamers.
GIVE US HOT MEN!
DEAR MARJORIE SKINNER: The following was our initial reaction upon picking up a copy of the Mercury ["Stereotype," April 28]: "Woo-hoo! The Mercury Fashion issue! I can't wait to check out all the hot pict...wait, where are all the hot pictures?"
Yes, we agree, stereotypes save time. We have learned this again and again throughout our schooling. And, as the great folks at the Portland Mercury discovered, it is a very clever way to showcase the fashion of our fair city. While we appreciate the effort to categorize our beloved neighborhoods into easy to follow fashion motifs, we were disappointed to find the presentation so sorely lacking. I mean, if you're gonna do a fashion issue, DO A FUCKING FASHION ISSUE!! The photos may show typical styles for the area (Except the Southwest guy. What's his deal? I've never seen anyone like that before. Ever.) However, one photo per area is simply not enough. Where are the dreads of Southeast? Since when are North and Northeast the same thing? Do men only hang out in Southwest? As a fashion issue it was wack! So please, next time, put some real fucking effort into your fashion issue, as well as some hot men.
WE HEAR YA, KATES! For setting us straight about stereotypes and winning the Mercury's Letter of the Week, we're sending you two tickets to Laurelhurst Theater in cozy Northeast, a $30 gift certificate to the fashionable No Fish Go Fish restaurant, and tickets to the J Live show on June 11 at Berbati's.