NOT FIT FOR CHILDREN
VIA VOICEMAIL FROM A CONCERNED MOTHER IN VANCOUVER: "Hi, my name is Michelle. I'm very upset about your paper, finding out that it's for free, for anyone under the age of 18. I'm not sure where you have them, but my son has been bringing it home and I don't appreciate that you have it available and also I don't know why you even have to have the junk in it that you do... with these women... uh, showing their bodies and sleazy, cheap sex. So I just wondered why you have to have such a junky, trashy magazine. Good day."
[For the Mercury's response, please see New Column!]
TIPPIN' AND BRIBIN' ARE DIFFERENT BIZNIZ
DEAR MERCURY: I just finished reading your featured article in this week's edition of the Mercury ["Making Karaoke Count," Nov 10], and I must say that the rather biased slant built into it is somewhat distressing. My name's Derek, but people at Chopsticks know me as "Fattie Bizniz." Justin Sanders' sour grapes [are] understandable, but his case could've been made better if he had included in his equation the sheer number of people besides himself wanting to sing. I can't tell you how many times I've shown up and resigned myself to the bar. I kick back with a drink and patiently wait my turn. If I feel like singing sooner, I'll buy the KJ a drink in the hopes that it might bump me up in the rotation. It's the same thing as tipping anyone else in the service industry... tips gets his/her attention and s/he returns the favor with preferential service and better drinks.
Derek Munson, AKA "Fattie Bizniz"
GET IN LINE
TO JUSTIN SANDERS VIA VOICEMAIL: "Yeah, hello, Justin! I just read your article in the Mercury this week about Chopsticks. And, first of all, it was rather libelous as far as I'm concerned, especially in regards to anything and everything you said about Chopsticks. If I ever, ever, ever see you in Chopsticks again I will fuck you in your brown star, okay?"
SCOTT MOORE: UNINFORMED
DEAR MERCURY: Scott Moore's portrayal of peace activists in Portland struck me as rather uninformed [News, Nov 3]. While I agree with him that the peace movement has dwindled to a rather dismal state, I don't see how the blame can be placed on the peace organizations. What I do know is that there are many dedicated people working tirelessly to gain public attention and support for protests held in the Portland area. If people aren't willing to turn off their TVs, get off their asses, and step into the street to scream about what this administration has been doing for the past five years, let alone the past few months, then I don't know what it will take to get them there. If Mr. Moore has any ideas, I'd be very interested in hearing them.
UNINFORMED, BUT LIKEABLE!
HELLO: I wanted to say that I like the new news writer [Scott Moore]. He writes at the sadly uninformed (yet not totally ignorant) level that many of your readers may require. He gives background and process explanations. I dig it. I miss Phil, but this guy's good. Also, two pages of news is a godsend.
Finally, What happened to the comic on the One Day at a Time page? The old one was WAYYYYY better.
UH-OH, WE'RE IN TROUBLETOWN!
DEAR MERCURY: So where the HELL is Troubletown? It was disturbing to see some garbage in its rightful place. Troubletown is a hilarious American treasure illuminating the subtleties of the lying, cheating, and stealing of America's power elites in politics, business, and entertainment. I am also a fan of Maakies and the infamous adventures of Uncle Gabby and Drinky Crow. The Perry Bible Fellowship's warmth of watercolors and quasi neo-innocence always brightens my day. While on the subject on funnies, these comics kick ass and your other strips suck ass.
CONGRATS TO CLEMENT for becoming so incensed over the absence of the beloved Troubletown that he failed to notice the "TROUBLETOWN WILL BE BACK FROM VACATION NEXT WEEK" notice posted underneath. Clement, turn to page five to enjoy the latest from Troubletown, as well as two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and two tickets to see the Makers at Dante's on Dec 1. We're not rewarding your obliviousness, we're rewarding your passion.