ADAM GNADE COMPLAINT OF THE WEEK
DEAR MERCURY: Did Adam Gnade contemplate removing his thumb from his ass long enough to put it in his mouth and consider the guaranteed fallout from a comment like "drunken Apache"??? ["What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)?" Jan 26, in which Adam reports mumbling like said Apache as a result of sleep deprivation.] For the love of God, loosen the white plastic belts and John Deere hats long enough to let some oxygen get to yer pea-brains...
WHO'S COLIN MELONEY??
DEAR PORTLAND MERCURY: Please replace Adam Gnade as soon as possible. He can't write a decent article to save his freaking life. Let's take the Colin Meloney [sic] article for example ["So Alone," Music, Jan 19]. It's clear that Mr. Gnade has never seen Colin Meloney perform live. Could Mr. Gnade have interviewed someone who has seen him play live and solo? No, he goes on and on about Tarkio! The article was supposed to be about Colin Meloney the solo artist, not Tarkio, the band that no longer exists.
CHRISTIAN WANNA CRACKER?
DEAR MERCURY: Self-righteous Christians suck! [Letters, Jan 26, in which an anonymous parent decries the Mercury's "immoral values."] Jesus Christ! I am so sick of your self-righteous Christian damnations and your fear of sex. For starters, all that shit you keep trying to rub in our faces screaming "Amorality!" comes from the Old Testament, which is Judaism. Go read the New Testament, and find the passages about promiscuity or homosexuality. Better yet, send me a copy of what JESUS wrote about it. Oh, there is no gospel according to Jesus. Was your great leader illiterate, or did your church omit that part because it was bad for their business of milking you out of your money for a pat on the head and a cracker?
MERCURY—BETTER THAN GOD?
DEAR MERCURY: I just LOVE the Mercury. I always read and enjoy the letters to the editor, especially from the misguided Christian fascists and other bigoted moralist religionists. They take themselves WAY too seriously. We as a society need to be able to critically and irreverently look at and laugh at ourselves, and the Mercury does an excellent job.
DUNST VS. ANISTON
DEAR ANN ROMANO: Oh, come on! I'd take Dunst cooties over Aniston cooties in a heartbeat... [One Day at a Time, Jan 26, in which Ann claims that Kirsten Dunst is "Hollywood's worst and ugliest actress"] At least with Dunst if she's faking an orgasm I'll be able to tell. With Aniston I might lose an eye on her chin or something.
ENVELOPED IN YOUR KINESPHERE
TO GREG BORS [Letters, Jan 26, in which Greg unfavorably compares Portland theater to film, and suggests that serious actors move to NYC]: You prefer film to theater because the actors are better? [Theatrical] actors envelop the audiences within their kinespheres. Don't write off an entire art form just because you aren't savvy enough to find the good stuff! By the way, it's a great idea to ask all the artists who are "serious about their craft" to move to NYC! I think all the doctors at OHSU who are serious about medicine should go to a real facility, like John Hopkins!
DEFENDER OF THEATER
TO THE PORTLAND MERCURY: Local scold Greg Bors decries a perceived disparity between the quality of Portland theater in relation to New York theater [Letters, Jan 26]. As a New York actor in town working with wonderful Portland actors at Portland Center Stage, I can think of some very good reasons why an actor might choose to live in Portland over New York. In Portland, we can own a home, have a backyard, make a living wage, and spend more energy on our work than on paying rent. In New York, there are 20,000 actors: 10,000 are talented, 500 are working, 37 are in the Wooster Group, and 6 are in a Richard Foreman play. Seriously, Greg—"dim-bulb vanity projects"? Have you ever been to New York?
CONGRATULATIONS TO KEVIN for stepping in to defend the hard work of local actors. For this act of heroism, he receives two tickets to see Totimoshi on Thurs Feb 16 at Dante's, plus two tickets to the Laurelhurst. Welcome to PDX!