AN ANTI-DRUG MESSAGE
DEAR MERCURY: Shawshank Erection's Butthole Surfers letter proves LSD is ESP spelled upside down [Letters, March 16, in which Shawshank Erection bemoans the absence of the Butthole Surfers in the Psychedelic Music Issue, March 9]! I was at a BS show on Haight, two blocks from Ashbury, around '91. And I was on exactly five hits of the best Berkeley LSD there is! I hallucinated that every single person in the club puked!
Dr. Rick Abbott
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL: "Sir, my name is Chris Knight, and I was just calling in regards to that front page [Cover, March 23, featuring artist Jack Pollock's image of the Easter Bunny laying Jesus eggs—and it's a coloring contest, too! See below for details.]. I think you guys are dirtbags, and that you're like school on Thanksgiving: no class!"
ANN'S JON STEWART JONES
TO THE EDITOR: What's the world coming to when my reliable acidic viper Ann Romano aborts her own dignity by supplicating before Jon Stewart's ass with a sycophantic tongue ["One Day at a Time," March 9, in which Ann Romano defends Jon Stewart's "neutered" hosting job at the Oscars]? Please tell that tramp that her responsibilities as a columnist need to supercede her base need for approval and—oh, Ann, say it ain't so!—her bizarre fantasy to one day make Stewart her Love Monkey Master... Someone get on her case! That was ugly! I'm giving her one more chance.
ADAM THE POSEUR
'SUP NERDZ: How sweet is it that Adam Gnade looks EXACTLY LIKE that poseur from Train? [Up & Coming, March 23, in which Gnade complains about being mistaken for that poseur from Train.] Before last week I knew that AG wrote like a poseur, I was sure he seemed like a poseur, and now I know he LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A TOTAL POSEUR AS WELL. Awesome. He's probably one of those hipsters who goes, "hipsters are so lame, I'm so glad I'm not a hipster" and then puts on his huge gay sunglasses and rolls up the cuffs of his jeans to show off leather '70s Chuck Taylors that he special ordered from Japan. Anyways, just wanted to share that—you all can get back to one-upping each other about bands no one ever heard of and sucking each other's cocks.
Peppermint von Farid the Ill
PICKING UP OUR SLACK
DEAR MERCURY: I was just a little worried. You had two letters this week [March 23] with positive comments about the Grateful Dead, with nary a deprecating comment on either. Hopefully you guys are just too tired to kick an easy target, but I really must remind you that the Grateful Dead are the vast evil figureheads of one of the most profoundly evil religions in this country: hippies. I hope you'll clarify your position here. I'm not against hippies for their smell or their annoying attitudes and tired "culture." I'm against hippies because of their relentless attack on the nature of reality, and their efforts to enforce their unintelligible ideals through law. So FUCK hippies, and FUCK the Grateful Dead.
THANKS TO GEOFF for not letting any mention of the Grateful Dead pass un-insulted. We admit we backed off because of all the acid freaks we've been attracting since our Psychedelic Music Issue. We find it's best not to provoke people under the influence of strong psychedelics, especially since that one time our friend Matt started masturbating in front of everyone before trying to break into the room we were hiding in with an axe. So thanks for provoking them for us! You get two tickets to see the New Amsterdams at Dante's on Thurs May 25, plus $30 to No Fish! Go Fish!
EASTER COLORING CONTEST!
Don't forget! The deadline for the Mercury's Easter Coloring Contest is fast approaching! Color the cover of our March 23 issue (a downloadable version is available at portlandmercury.com), and mail it FLAT in a 12" x 15.5" envelope to "Easter Coloring Contest" c/o Portland Mercury, 605 NE 21st Ave, STE 200, Portland, OR 97232. All ages are welcome, and the deadline is THURSDAY, APRIL 6! The winning entry will be displayed on the cover of our Easter issue, and the winner will receive 200 BUCKS! Don't miss this opportunity to show the world you're just as talented as that asshole Michelangelo.