PROPS TO POLLOCK
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL: "Hey, this is Sean Miller. I just read Chris Knight's letter to the editor [Letters, March 30, in which Mr. Knight calls us 'dirtbags' for printing a coloring contest cover image of a bunny laying Jesus eggs, March 23], and he's gotta be some kind of a right-wing Jesus freak or something, because that cover was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. Kudos to Jack Pollock."
TOO HIP FOR DETAILS
TO BART SCHANEMAN: The psychedelic issue was a fun read [Psychedelic Music Issue, March 9, in which Bart Schaneman writes an anti-psychedelic music screed, and among other things, calls the Grateful Dead assholes]. There are huge swaths of music you and your fellow "writers" missed. Mercury writers are too hip to notice details. Try listening to KBOO for an education or work in a record store as I did for a year. Jerry Garcia was never the "asshole" any infantile twit like you called him. He had substance abuse problems, but had a very unique sound that is something most guitar players will never achieve. Many of the popular newer bands/hiphop do not have the chops to play live or they give rip-off shows. Hiphop? Those with no taste, no class, and no musical education listen to this dreck as a choice. It is always amusing to read the high school attempts at writing about music at the Mercury.
THE MERCURY RESPONDS: Kids, please stop showing that month-old Psychedelic Music Issue to your parents. We just can't take another self-glorifying admonishment from some old "My Generation" nostalgia victim. Like we're really going to take music advice from someone who objects to hiphop because it's not "classy." Or who recommends KBOO.
THIS IS AN INSULT... RIGHT?
DEAR MERCURY WOMEN: I pray that one of you will swallow your pride and give the Bush a blowjob so we can impeach him.
THE REAL JT LEROY
DEAR MERCURY: Whoever wrote the review of The Heart is Deceitful... is a fucking genius [Film Shorts, March 30]. That was THE funniest shit I've read in a long, long time and I laughed and laughed and laughed. Tell "JT" that (s)he's a genius and (s)he's fucking hilarious.
YEAH, PRETTY MUCH
DEAR MERCURY: [regarding the Mercury's Easter Coloring Contest.] Is it really necessary to be insensitive to Christians and use the blood of Christ in such a disrespectful fashion?
PUPPY PANCAKE MAKER
TO THE EDITOR: Regarding the I, Anonymous column in the March 30 issue ["Speed Kills," in which an anonymous reader rants about the pet pug puppy that was hit on St. Helens Road by an alleged speeder]. I can't believe you gave that fuckstick validation by printing that sorry-assed letter blaming everyone but themselves for their so-called dog getting killed. If these losers were even remotely responsible people, the dog would not be out in the road. Irresponsible dumb-fucks like these give all dog owners a bad name and should not be given validation when they are the only ones at fault. Fuggem all!!! Take the remains of your yuppie-fuck designer-pet and shove them up your ass. Oh, yeah... KEEP YOUR STUPID FUCKING "DOG" OUT OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALAN for pointing out that the author of the "I, Anonymous" who had their puppy killed should have kept an eye on it. We can't bring ourselves to think of any jokes about dead puppies, so let's just try and extract something good out of this tragedy. Like by giving Alan two tickets to see the New Amsterdams at Dante's on Thurs May 25, plus $30 to No Fish! Go Fish!, a restaurant that doesn't seem to like fish much, but they loooove dogs.
HEY READERS! (1) Your Easter Coloring Contest submissions are due THIS FRIDAY, April 7 at noon! (2) Don't miss the Mercury Fashion Showcase this Sunday, April 9! Check page 54 for details. HOT! And (3) the Mercury Pod 'n' Vod rolls on with more great music, videos, and hilarity.