FINE... NURSES AREN'T HOT
TO THE MERCURY VIA VOICEMAIL: "Hi, my name's Adam Foster, I'm a member of the Association of the University of Resident Nurses. I think that your cover is really tasteless [Cover, April 20, depicting a nurse applying lipstick]. Historically, nurses have been depicted as sex objects, and it's too bad you guys aren't doing anything to change that."
CREAMING YOUR JEANS
DEAR MERC: I indulged in the excerpts from intimate emails by "Foxy the Chocolate Stud Muffin." ["The Sexy Side of Foxworth," April 13] I looked around to see if anyone noticed that I had just creamed my jeans! I have a couple questions for "Foxy": (1) Have you LOOKED at what you plugged your cock into? (2) Where were you during the required class the rest of us who work for the city had to take, that teaches about sexual harassment and political correctness?
SEE YOU AT THE OSCARS
DEAR MERCURY: We're all aware of the trials and tribulations of Police Chief Derrick Foxworth. Your slant displayed the Mercury's uncanny ability to make anything funny. My disappointment lies in the fact that between you, Willamette Week, and the Oregonian, we can't get any real news. I get it that you're the Mercury. But, like Jon Stewart, your ability to make us laugh while learning about news that really matters makes us listen. You have a lot of readers under 18 who listen to you. Instead of pandering, give them something to think about. Be the voice that you deny being, but actually are. You're good at it.
Justice Evans, sixth grade teacher
TO THE EDITOR: Scipio is most certainly an idiot [Letters, April 13, in which Scipio writes in to protest Ann Romano referring to Charlie Sheen as a "crackpot" because he accused the Bush administration of planting explosives in the Twin Towers.]. How amazing is it that the towers collapsed in a completely vertical manner? They weren't listing like that famous one in Pisa—they were built plumb. This means parallel to the direction of gravity, which would in turn pull them in that same direction if structurally compromised. And they certainly were.
Worn in NoPo
FULL OF BULLSHIT
DEAR MERCURY: Last week's issue was full of bullshit. First, the whole Foxworth scandal. Who wants to hear about some pig's cock? Second, the "fur activists" vs. Schumacher's article [News, "Protests, Part One," April 13]. I walked by Schumacher's to see a protester wearing a leather jacket. Third, Megan Seling's Kittie review [Up & Coming, April 13]. I'm not a Kittie fan, but I love metal. The fact this Megan chick disses Kittie so much pisses me off. Those girls would rip her to pieces and look sexy doing it.
THE MISSISSIPPI THEME PARK
TO AMY JENNIGES: Your piece about Mississippi was vastly amusing [News, "Fear of Heights," April 20, in which Jenniges reports on a plan to build eco-friendly lofts in the Mississippi neighborhood]. All of Portland will be turned into theme parks for wealthy, white art-fags who care less about diversity, density, and reducing dependence on cars than about cheap real estate and pricing poor people and minorities out of their "green" neighborhoods.
Curtis E. Bryant
GOING SLOWLY DOWN FOXWORTH?
DEAR MERCURY: The city has been considering renaming Portland Boulevard after Rosa Parks. Some say Parks deserves a downtown street. I agree. But as long as we're talking about renaming Portland Boulevard, let's name it after someone who comes from the community—Derrick Foxworth. It has a nice ring: "Turn on Foxworth, please." "Go slowly down Foxworth." Angela Oswalt and Foxworth's other babes could get cross streets, that way they'll intersect with him all the time.
CONGRATULATIONS TO CHEZZ for finding something poetic in the midst of a bad situation. For his suggestion that we name a street in honor of someone whose career, if not his body, is recently deceased, we're giving him tickets to Mad Sin on Friday, May 19 at Dante's, plus $30 to No Fish! Go Fish!, where scandal goes best with wine.