TO THE DOTARDS AT THE MERCURY: My love for the Mercury has been weaning rapidly over the last couple of months. I guess I'm just bored reading the opinions of a bunch of snotty, punk-ass white folk. Week after week I sit through it, knowing at the end, even though the paper itself is pretty disappointing, the comics will be good.

 There have been numerous times where I've found myself wanting to write a letter to the editor and tell you how full of shit (and yourselves) you are, but my indifference gets the best of me. However, you've finally crossed the line. I've finally had enough of this fucking bullshit.

 For someone writing an article on Kurt Russel [sic] 101 [I'm Staying Home, May 11], Erik Henrikson [sic] needs to go back to school because he has FAILED to demonstrate his expertise on Kurt Russel [sic].

 How he could have possibly not included Big Trouble in Little China is beyond me. It's Kurt Russel [sic] at his Kurt Russeliest-raddest. May Erik Henrickson [sic] join Lim Lee in the "Hell of Being Cut to Pieces."

 Jonathan Hill

THE MERCURY RESPONDS: "Kurt Russel" is actually spelled "Kurt Russell."


DEAR ERIK HENRIKSEN, YOU CUNT: You, sir, are a giant ass. Although, your recent literary blowjob of Tom Cruise [M:I x III = Awesome + Infinity, and I'm Staying Home, May 4] is unforgivable, the fact that you have no idea that you can't add quantities of different units is just plain retarded. Adding awesome to infinity is impossible. It's like adding miles per hour to number of dogs. You could multiply them together, but adding them together is just plain moronic, even for those with the body of Kate Moss and the face of Roberto Benigni (you). As long as we're on the subject of you sucking, what's the deal with you not including Big Trouble in Little China in your Kurt Russell blowjob [I'm Staying Home, May 11]? Dumb ass.



DEAR MR. WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY: I always enjoy your column and typically share the pissed-off attitude you spout [I Love Television™, May 11, in which Humpy calls models the "laziest, most worthless people on Earth (next to Canadians)"]. As a Canadian, I am fully aware of our shortcomings, past and present, and would readily admit to whatever fault one wishes to discuss. And I'm not one who gets his shirt in a knot just because his homeland has been shit on. Lord knows we probably deserved it.

Anyway, I am curious as to what circumstances led to your opinion of us as being lazy and worthless. It could be worth a laugh. And you're at least half right about me, I'm retired and spend the winters (and lots of money) in Florida. Definitely lazy... but worthless?????



TO THE MERCURY: Regarding the review of the Redwing Coffee and Bakery, "Beloved and Adorable" by Alison Hallett [May 11, in which Alison describes Redwing's uninspiring veggie sandwich], it is important to know that while it may just be a sandwich to you, to me it's something more. Please note that the Redwing's veggie sandwich is best enjoyed on Como Bread. The fact that Alison does not see the wonderfulness of this sandwich is grounds enough to kick her to the curb. I believe this to be the best sandwich in Portland. Please stop deterring people from eating this sandwich.

Mimi Wetland

CONGRATULATIONS TO MIMI for winning the Mercury Letter of the Week! We believe this is the first time ANYONE has ever written in to defend a sandwich—and we'd appreciate more letters like hers. Nevertheless! Lucky, lucky Mimi will receive two tickets to see The Walkmen at Berbati's on June 8, as well as a $30 gift certificate to No Fish! Go Fish!—home of the sandwich that never needs a defense.


Did you miss the hilarious and informative DAN SAVAGE last week at the Crystal Ballroom? Fear not, for you can catch an abridged version of Dan's sidesplitting speech debuting this week on the Mercury's Pod 'n' Vod—our very own podcast! (And while you're there, check out our other fine selections, including a political advertisement featuring a retarded hillbilly. Don't ask—just listen.)