THE POETRY OF CHILDREN
DEAR MERCURY: Of the few things that are more nauseating than "some anti-child liberal claiming they haven't reproduced for 'the sake of the planet,'" one of them has to be child-fetishists who think they are such goddamned heroes for spitting out another litter of Gerber-swilling overstock [I, Anonymous, Aug 31]. The great comedian Doug Stanhope said, "Children are like poetry, they're beautiful to their creator... but to other people they're silly and fuckin' irritating."
KIDS RULE, PARENTS DROOL
ANONYMOUS DOUCHEBAG: [I, Anonymous, Aug 31] I think I speak for the vast majority of us "child haters" when I say it is not kids we hate, it's the parents. Don't be so proud of being a parent, it is a far more impressive feat to have tons of recreational sex and never procreate. Are you even within a long-distance phone call of a sex life now that the kid's come along?
DEAR MERCURY: First, I have to say this letter has nothing to do with the recent letter to the editor in your latest edition of the Mercury regarding some half-ass stupid competition between two stupid people [Letters, Aug 31, in which Urban Scout accepts Hippie Scout's challenge to have a "live-off" competition]. No, this letter is pointed directly at that roadkill-eatin', loincloth-wearing jackass you seem to adore so much [Urban Scout, whose preemptive post-apocalyptic summer camp was featured in the feature "Apocalypse Soon," Aug 17]. You seem to have left one thing out of your end-of-the-world camp: self-defense (the most important part about surviving in a society gone to the dogs). So I challenge you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You loincloth, mud-painted idiot, to a no-holds-barred fight. You say uncle and walk away from the ignorant bullshit you try to pass off as truth (that means your survival shit!). I lose, and I shut up, no longer harboring the desire to spit in your face if I ever see you on the street. No time limit, no pads, no weapons, no rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HIPPIE SCOUT RESPONDS! (WHAT A HIPPIE!)
URBAN SCOUT: [RE: The ongoing challenge between Hippie Scout and Urban Scout, Letters, Aug 31.] I find it interesting that you wonder about the size of my cock in the first paragraph of your response letter. All I could think of was "what an asshole." While I was highly dosed at Burning Man, in the midst of a gathering of so many freaky people that were all so singular, yet united by the common purpose of self-expression, I paused to think of you for a moment. My first thought was that "Urban Scout" should loosen up... hang out in the desert, sport his loincloth, and maybe hunt down a few of the bunny-suit-wearing folk and have a nice meal. My second thought was one of pity. I felt sorry for you that you needed to differentiate yourself through hatred. The issue at hand is that in your moment in the spotlight your message of a natural way was lost to your hatred. Hate no one!
YO, STOP BEANING THIS DUDE!
DEAR MERCURY: You know that MySpace mob of kids you mentioned ["Yells Like Teen Spirit, News, Aug 31, in which Matt Davis reports on violent teen mobs organized through the online networking phenomenon]? Yeah, one of them threw a 40-ounce bottle at me while I was biking down Emerson! I'm sick of this shit! I wouldn't throw anything at anyone!CONGRATULATIONS TO TRAVIS for winning the Letter of the Week with his innocent plea to the world at large to stop throwing stuff at him whilst riding his bicycle. In this increasingly violent season of letter writing, we appreciate the simplicity of his virtuous sentiment, and are rewarding him with two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and $30 to No Fish! Go Fish!, where it is unlikely that Travis will get anything thrown at him (again).
DEL MONTE CODE: LAST CHANCE!YIPES! This is the LAST WEEK for you to crack our online puzzle, "The Del Monte Code!" Go to portlandmercury.com, solve the puzzle, and win that hot video iPod! Jinkies!