Today's Topic: Onward Christian Warheads

Today as I write, God, through His President, has unleashed His deadliest weapons in the fight against Satan, and America shall kill with righteous violence those who would threaten our peace-loving, gentle way of life. Their incineration, though heartwarming to those of us who crave retribution, will doubtless stoke the inferno of Anti-Americanism, Anti-Capitalism, and Anti-Lordism that smolders throughout the "Holy" Land like a vast tire fire of hate. For America, the road ahead is doubtless long, arduous, and full of shrapnel.

Some have asked: Is violence truly necessary? Is every last Afghan shepherd, cleric, and barista deserving of holy dismemberment? Shouldn't President Bush have tried harder to negotiate the bloodless capture of our enemies?

The book of Exodus tells us how God delivered His People from Egypt, thereby establishing His Mideast Policy. Through His servant Moses, God first exhausted all possible diplomatic measures to free the Jews: He tried rivers of blood, swarms of locusts, hails of frogs, and rods that became snakes and then ate other snakes. But the stubborn Pharaoh just wouldn't listen. So in His Frustration, God resorted to a Super-Weapon: a Divine Missile so precise that it slew only firstborn children, leaving buildings intact. Only after a healthy dose of God's Wrath did the Pharaoh assent to the Jews' reasonable request for freedom and all of the Egyptians' money.

Five thousand years later, God, through His President, is skipping the overtures and getting right to the point. He demands justice, and He will have it. If necessary He will kill us all, and He will sort us out.

But fear not for the Afghan innocents. For the Lord is reasonable, and His Bombs are smart indeed. He has assured me that He will spare from destruction all Muslims who recognize Jesus Christ as their personal savior. So please pray with me tonight for the souls of those Taliban clerics who, like me, extol their people to righteousness and family values. They teach, as do I, that the Lord will punish disbelievers in all countries, just as He has punished America's homosexuals, feminists, and ACLU members by electing President Bush. Muslims are not evil--but in these times, "not evil" just isn't good enough. Pray that the Taliban will see the light of the one true God and grasp His Outstretched Hand soon, before they feel the smiting of His Tough Love.