Today's Topic: The Sign of the Beast

Dear Reverend: Do you believe as I do that the Catholic Pope is really the Antichrist forepromised in the Bible? With the uncovery of the Global Catholic Pederasty Ring, can anyone deny the need for swift defensive attack? If the American armed forces are truly God's Army of Peace, and if John Ashcroft can detain suspected terrorists, why can't we arrest well-known child-molesting Antichrists and their Antichrist Pope?

The Pope must be stopped! I myself was once his prisoner in Vatican City, where a sub-miniature electronic device was implanted just below my face. All Catholics have this chip implanted at birth, while they are being molested. It gives off signals.

Stop the One World Government! The people must know the truth! Please tell them about the One World Government and the Catholic child molesters. Ask John Ashcroft to arrest them.

-- Bill W., downtown Portland

Dear Bill: I share your concerns. And though I don't know Attorney General Ashcroft personally, I am friends with a higher authority in our government: Jesus. And it's not Jesus' policy to detain Catholics at this time.

It wasn't long ago that Christians witnessed the unraveling of another sinister plot to violate our trust and exploit our innocence. Yet as Enron collapsed, did we call for the blood of the secretarial pool? Did we arrest and convict the top brass, whose only crimes were greed and deceit? Is that was Jesus would do?

I cherish the religious freedom that God grants the citizens of His Chosen Country, and I hate to see anti-Catholic molester-mongering blacken the hearts of good Christians. Most Catholics are no more satanic than a particularly naughty Presbyterian. It's a testament to the openness and tolerance of America that in these times of international crisis, Christians of all denominations, with radically different beliefs in the nature of God, come together in their love of Him to fight "Them"--our non-Christian enemies. When you threaten that unity, your actions only aid terrorists!

It is written that the Lamb shall oversee the torture of those wicked ones who abuse children in The Manner We Must Not Describe. If the Book of Revelations is a true prophecy--as we know it must be--then I don't believe you or I can prevent the Beast from forming his One World Government, for this, too, is part of God's plan. Charitable, sincere Christians like myself anticipate the great Tribulation, when the blood of non-believers shall run red in God's Gutters; for this too is but a divinely ordained speed bump on the On-Ramp to Glory. So fear not your implants and let Jesus take care of the rounding up and arresting.