The Parable of the Rutabaga

Once there was a mean, sinful woman who died, and was cast down into the Lake of Fire, where she commenced wailing. For ten, a hundred, a thousand years she wept and whimpered and pleaded for another chance.

By that time, God's chosen ones lived on Earth in paradise, in harmony with beasts and plants, free from homosexuality and secular humanism. They overheard the ear-splitting cries of this sinner, and pitied her.

They asked their lord Jesus: "Hey Jesus, what awful sins did that sinner commit to deserve such painful punishment?"

"Innumerable sins," said He.

"But are we not all stained by sin? And are we not washed clean in Your blood?" they asked.

"Indeed you are, but she is not. For she never asked for my help or accepted my love."

"Well, she's asking now," they pointed out.

"Sorry, she missed her chance. Them beith the rules," said He.

"Awwww " begged the multitudes. And Jesus, loving them, relented and sent an angel down to Central Hell to greet this pathetic sinner, who was called Marge.

The angel asked Marge: "Sinner, can you recall your most Christian act in your wretched life on Earth?"

"Well, I remember one day a homeless bum came begging for food, and I gave him a rotten rutabaga," Marge replied.

The angel pondered this, and then spoke: "Marge, if you will shed your meanness and accept Jesus as your savior, then you may yet be saved." Then the angel drew from his vestments one nasty, putrid, rotten rutabaga and a length of fishing line, and on that line he lowered the stinking vegetable downward, until it hung within her grasp.

The sinner Marge seized the slimy, disgusting vegetable and cried, "Hallelujah!" while clinging to it with all her disemboweled strength. And the angel began to hoist her heavenwards.

But lo, other nearby sinners who spied her impending salvation clung desperately to her legs, and cried, "Hallelujah, oh Lord! Save us!" And the angel lifted them all, though the line stretched thinner and the load grew heavy.

"Let me go, cling-ons!" shouted Marge. "This is my rutabaga!" And she kicked at the faces of the others, yet they clung tighter.

"Shove off, you brutes! I wailed and I whimpered and I'm the one getting saved!" screamed Marge, writhing and kicking and biting at the others until, from all her selfish agitation, the fishing line snapped! And the sinners plummeted down upon the hot, jagged, painful rocks below.

And Jesus laughed at their predicament, as did His flock. And never again did they question the wisdom of the Lord.