Stop, or My God Will Shoot

DEAR REVEREND: I write to thank publicly the Policemen and Police-ladies of Our Fair City for their righteous dispensation of God's Wrath upon our most murder-worthy neighbors, the Criminal Element. Some pansy peaceniks may call the use of deadly force "extreme," but Biblical history teaches us that summary execution is an ancient and effective method of cultivating Christian peace on earth. To those meddlers who would shackle our brave crime-hunters with their "oversight" and "accountability," I say: FREEZE! Step away from City Hall, and put your hands on your heads!


DEAR WILLY: Thank you for your timely message. Today, with America's Christianizing efforts abroad and the pre-Armageddon economic conditions at home, God is placing more firearms in Christian hands than ever before. Surely this is no accident: In the coming end-times, many Christians will be expected to play judge, jury and corrections officer in the defense of their homes and non-perishable foodstuffs. Let us therefore take a lesson from Romans 13 on the difference between what you call "murder" and what police officers call "self-defense."

Romans 13:4 charges the police with the execution of God's Wrath upon him or her that doeth evil. But God carefully regulates the use of Deadly Force, for Romans 13:1 holds even policemen to a Higher Power. Before a law officer can shoot a criminal, the criminal must threaten his life, or his health, or the life or health of others nearby, or appear likely to pose such a threat in the future if allowed to live. Because of these rules, every day policemen are forced to arrest and prosecute miscreants who they would much rather shoot, simply because the evildoers are too scared to put up a fight! Fortunately, God intervenes often in police brutality investigations, miraculously creating and destroying evidence and testimony to protect His Soldiers. Praise Him!

Good Christians don't fear death, for they hold season tickets to God's eternal outdoor concert series. Neither then should evildoers bother to dodge the Christian bullets of mercy, for eternal damnation shall be theirs sooner or later. As our wise president has decreed in Baghdad, so soon shall he decree here at home; for God's Law is Martial, His Judgment Snap, and His Justice Semi-Automatic.