I Saw U

DEAR JENNIFER: I wish you could meet my testicles, Jennifer, because I'm certain you'd like them. They are like fluffy little kittens, soft and warm and friendly. They'll eat out of your hand, they'll sit in your lap, they'll do tricks. Jennifer, I can tell by the glint in your eye that you appreciate good testicles.

Jennifer, you are a ripe plum that needs eating. Your skin so tight and smooth, your breath so sweet. You smell like breakfast and you look like dessert. My testicles and I want to bathe in your hot body, Jennifer, we want to do the backstroke in your little swimming hole.

Jennifer: imagine a tongue that lives inside your pants, infesting you, sneaking furtively up and down your labia and then scurrying off to hide in your bottom. "Oh, what bother!" you cry. "I can't bend over without that devil tongue torturing me! It's driving me to distraction! If only some brave testicles would come and rescue me!"

Well, Jennifer, these testicles are standing by for you, 24 hours a day.

--"Loverman," Portland.

REVEREND HANSON REPLIES: Once again the filth in which this newspaper happily wallows has soiled the pant-leg of Jesus! Alas, we who stand in the crossfire of sin are sometimes splattered with its rancid juice.

Many readers ask me why I consort with this vile publication, with its readership of intravenous drug users, prostitutes and Satanists. Indeed they are a sad, sorry bunch, almost as sad and sorry as the Galilean fishermen were before they met Jesus: lounging semi-nude in their fish-slimed nets, stinking of wine, fondling their ancient Greek "urns."

If Jesus could rescue those depraved, bawdy fishermen, then maybe I can save you, "Loverman," and all your sick friends in the "Something Unholy Tonight" section, the "Seeking Fornication" section and the "Gay Perverts Proclaim Their Perverted Gayness" section.

You cannot shock me, because God covers my eyes. You only sadden me with the knowledge of the crushing and impaling your over-proud genitals shall receive in the Hot Down Thereafter. If you love your immortal SOUL as much as you love your dangling sin-spheres, I urge you to repent your loose "swinging," and seek tight Christian support!