Now and then, event announcements come across the Mercury's desk which are just way too creepy to include in our regular feature, My, What a Busy Week! HOWEVER! When a landslide of creepy events come in all at once... how can they be ignored?

Naughty Schoolgirl Party at Barracuda (Sat April 22)—Calling all pedophiles and wanna-bes! Barracuda is inviting all the ladies to "come dressed in your naughty school outfits and you'll get called to the principles [sic] office for 'prizes.'" I wonder when they're going to have "Naughty Choir Boy" night? Barracuda, 9 NW 2nd, 7 pm, no cover before 10 pm

Northwest Pet and Companion Fair (Sat-Sun April 22-23)—I don't know... I just think it's creepy when people call their pets "companions." This "indoor pet mall" features 200 retail and nonprofit groups peddling their wares, plus workshops, adoption opportunities, and "pet makeovers." AUGGH! CREEPY! Portland Expo Center, 2060 N Marine, 9:30 am-5 pm, $7

Calendar Girl Model Search (Sat April 22)—Hey girls! Would you like to win the opportunity to be scantily clad in a calendar designed for the erotic pleasure of blue-collar workers from Gresham? Then you're a fan of CREEPY. Put on your "best club wear" and "bring your friends," which is really good advice since the name of the venue is "Outlaws." Outlaws Bar & Grill, 722 E Burnside, 9 pm

'70s Smut Night at the Clinton Street (Tues-Wed April 25-26)—If you're going to be creepy, this is the way to do it. It's a double feature of classic 1970s porn at the Clinton Street Theater, when they present original 35mm prints of Portrait (from the director of Deep Throat), followed by Love Bavarian Style featuring a lot of creepy mustaches and even creepier lederhosen. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, 7 and 9 pm, $6 or $8 for both

Jane Fonda (Tues April 25)—This former star of work out tapes and born-again Christian tells the story of her life. EEEEEEEK! I get chills just thinking about it! First Congregational Church, 1126 SW Park, 7:30 pm, FREE (WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY)