VEGAN BODYBUILDING WEEK! Think vegans are pasty-ass namby-pambies? Not these muscled-up hotties! Join the cadre of Vegan Bodybuilders as they host a week of events featuring pumping iron and eating right. On the docket: A picnic/fitness contest at Mt. Tabor (Friday) will include a pull-up/push-up competition, with weight training sessions (Friday & Monday), plus yoga/Pilates classes, vegan outreach, a trip to the Oregon coast, and a Strongman/Strongwoman competition (Wednesday)!


BIRD COSTUMES! Okay, this is way creepier than vegan bodybuilders: It's local experimental rock guitarist Bird Costumes (Daniel Osborne), who plays droney, nature-inspired noise while wearing animal masks on top of his head (so while he's looking down at the chords, the animal face is STARING HOLES STRAIGHT THROUGH YOU!) Fascinating... and fucking creepy.

Towne Lounge, 714 SW 20th Pl, Sun 10 pm, $5

SENIOR PROM! And we mean really "senior." On Sunday, Spirit Mountain Casino sponsors a senior prom for senior citizens at Pioneer Courthouse Square. It's a huge event featuring music, dancing, food and prizes, which draws over 2,500 sexy septuagenarians. Oooh, I am so getting laid tonight! (P.S. No spiking the punch with Metamucil, please.)

Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th, Sun 4-6 pm, FREE

LOWRIDER CONVENTION! This may or may not be creepy depending upon how you feel about bikini contests, scantily clad "Lowrider" girls, burly threatening bikers, and 400 customized lowrider cars and motorcycles! Me, I love it. But then I'm a super creep.

Expo Center, 2060 N Marine, Sun 11 am–5 pm, $30 (2 for 1 coupons at Schuck's Auto Supply)

OREGON LEATHER PRIDE! Again, this weeklong foray into the sticky world of leather might not be too creepy if you're into a Fetish and Fur Ball (Friday), Pansexual Dungeon Party (Saturday), Leather Tastings and a "First Strike Play Party" hosted by the "Whippersnappers" (Saturday), a "Kinky Women's Munch" (Monday), and a Leather Family Barbeque (Wednesday). For far more graphic and fun details go to the website listed below—and remember to bring some baby powder.

Various locations, August 3-13, WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY