Oh my god. Look at me! I'm a stumbling, alcoholic, yet devilishly rakish MESS! And it's all because of the new fall season. You see, every year I attempt to pick the hits and misses among the new shows, and I would be incredibly successful--if it weren't for the fact that all my misses are hits and my hits misses! In all my years of writing this stoopid column, I have yet to get one single prediction right!

How can I be so incredibly talented in some areas (i.e., writing TV columns, drinking, banging that big boo-tay) but such a miserable failure when it comes to predictions? I've even tried employing a computerized robot psychic and a retarded feces-throwing chimp named Chad; astonishingly, nothing has worked!! HAS THE WORLD GONE TOPSY-TURVY?!

Well, this is ONE incredibly gifted and talented TV columnist with a tight, pinchable ham who has had ENOUGH. Failure is no longer an option. I'm through making predictions using faulty scientific methods such as computers and diarrheic apes. I've decided to use the only TRUE and UNERRING method of prognostication known to humankind the writings of NOSTRADAMUS.

Who exactly was this Nostradamus? Well, I'm not completely certain, as I was distracted from gathering research on his life by a website entitled "Nude Celeb Pix Hot Hot Hot." However! I can say that he lived sometime in the past and correctly predicted the rise of Hitler, the assassination of JFK, and the Pabst Blue Ribbon tall boy. I've included a couple of his passages that relate directly to this fall's new shows, and as you will soon see, his predictions are UNCANNY-RIFIC. Dig this

"To an old leader will be born an idiot heir/weak both in knowledge and in war."

As you undoubtedly already know, Nostradamus is speaking of the new show MDs (ABC, Wednesdays, 10:00 p.m.). This show is about two wacky doctors who don't mind breaking the rules to help their patients! And it's also obvious that Nostradamus thinks it's going to SUCK, because he refers to MDs as the "idiot heir" to an "old leader," which of course refers to Alan Alda, which in turn refers to M*A*S*H, which everyone knows drinks diaper gravy. Thanks Nostradamus! How about another one?

"The bird of prey flying to the left/before battle is joined with the French, he makes preparations/Some will regard him as good, others bad or uncertain."

See?? Nostradamus is obviously talking about the new show Birds of Prey (WB, premieres October 9 at 9:00 p.m.), which is about some hotsy-totsy superheroines who take over Gotham City after Batman has bugged out. And while Nostradamus predicts the show will be joined by the French which I admit is kind of confusing he definitely states that Birds of Prey will either be regarded by the viewing public as "good," "bad," or "uncertain."

What the???? Goddammit! Nostradamus is a Nostra-dumbass!!