MONDAY, JANUARY 8 "New York City's Gas Smell Remains a Mystery." That's funny on myriad levels—one of which is that New York doesn't seem to know that it's stinky on a nearly daily basis. The last time we visited there we had to send our fine washables to the dry cleaner twice just to remove the combination scent of dirty diapers and cigars. Anyway, the city that never sleeps woke up to a really putrid stench akin to natural gas that eventually sent 19 to the hospital, and caused schools and offices to be evacuated. (Maybe Osama bin Laden's gone from being deadly to simply annoying?) And while New Yorkers are blaming the smell of stank on everything from bog gas to New Jersey—one theory was mysteriously absent: Didn't they just open up Lindsay Lohan's stomach to remove her appendix? Just askin'. AND SPEAKING OF WHICH... For someone who just had an appendectomy, Lindsay Lohan certainly recovered quickly. The teen queen was spotted whooping it up wild-style this weekend, dirty dancing with Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker (eww), smok-ing cigarettes and— dig this quote from World Entertainment News—"drinking a clear substance from a water bottle." We love that! The press is now so cynical about LiLo's supposed sobriety that they refuse to believe that "clear substance" is Evian. Come on! After a dangerous surgery, a girl needs to replenish her moisture! Don't the tabloids know that the human body is 98 percent Grey Goose?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 9 From bad to worse is the way things are going for fallen pop goddess Britney Spears. Today she received the unwelcome news that layabout former hubby K.Fed is very interested in keeping their two kids for himself—unless she pays him $50 million. For that kind of money, he would happily drop them off in the nearest dumpster. The thought of a judge granting K.Fed custody of even a Chia Pet would be laughable... if Spears weren't the other party in question. If tabs are to be believed about her partying and panty-less exploits, those kids have been nannied nonstop since Thanksgiving. We know Britney's children aren't from Namibia—but maybe Brad and Angelina would be interested? MEANWHILE... While it's certainly no fun to be extorted for $50 million from a guy who has never owned a belt, it's even worse when your personal stylist abandons you! Not only has Britney been dumped by her publicist and her number-one fan site (WorldofBritney.com), now her personal stylist Britt Bardo has given the once coiffed star the old heave-ho. Bardo, who also beautifies celebs such as Kate Hud-son, Jennifer Lopez, and Eva Mendes, told In Touch maga-zine, "Yes, I've done Britney Spears—but don't blame me, okay? I make her up and she just takes everything off and does her own thing." And so ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as you can see, Bardo is the true victim here... not Britney Spears. We therefore demand that all charges of fashion crimes against humanity be dropped, and Bardo be returned to society where he can continue making Christina Aguilera look like a ho-bag.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10 As reported last week in One Day, for a brief, shining moment, the heavens opened up and blessed us with the best news we had heard in ages: that young heart-throbby Justin Timberlake had dumped the old, acne-encrusted Cameron Diaz. And, until today, there was every indication that JT would rush into our awaiting arms and sate us with his passionate coitus—that is until that bitch Scarlett Johansson came around! According to E! News, Justin and the shapely Hollywood starlet who we have no chance of competing with have been canoodling their way around Tinsel Town. And not only that, Scarlett may have unwittingly been instrumental in the Cameron/JT breakup! The "world's sexiest woman" had appeared in Justin's newest video around Christmas which reportedly caused Cameron to pop a zit in fury. And though JT and Scarlett insist they're "just friends," we all know what's really going on here: It's all part of the government's continuing experiment to pair up the world's sexiest couples and breed a race of adorable super-babies. Who's next? George Clooney and Jessica Alba?
THURSDAY, JANUARY 11 So President Bush came up with this great idea to stop all the killing in Iraq: Send MORE people to be killed in Iraq! And weirdly enough, most people hate the idea. The polls are in, and after pitching his idea of sending more troops to the war-torn country with hopes of ending the conflict more quickly, the American public responded with a resounding "fuck... YOU." According to an ABC News poll taken after his address to the nation, 61 percent oppose his proposal to send more than 20,000 additional forces to Iraq, and 64 percent disapprove of his handling of the conflict. Upon hearing the numbers, President Bush reconsidered his original idea, saying, "Ohhhh-kay... so if you don't like the idea of us sending 20,000 troops, how about 100,000?"
FRIDAY, JANUARY 12 We know it's hard to believe, but sometimes people accuse One Day at a Time of not tackling "important issues." Sometimes people say that we "only write about Britney's va-heena" or that we're "unhealthily fascinated with George Clooney's charming smile." Okay, well... maybe. (But look at that smile! Can you blame us?) Still, we're not that shallow! And to prove it, here's your dose of hard-hitting political news: Barack Obama... topless! Earlier this week, People magazine published a shot of the Illinois senator (and possible 2008 presidential candidate) frolicking on a Hawaiian beach in nothing but swim trunks. Admittedly, Obama—who was shown in a pictorial alongside nubile Penélope Cruz and muscle-bound Hugh Jackman—isn't rocking a body to die for, compared to Hollywood standards. But take those glistening, sculpted pecs of Obama and compare them to the saggy, pasty ones of John Kerry. Or the oddly hirsute ones (or so we hear) of John McCain. Or the swaying, sweaty man-teats of Ted Kennedy. Shudder. Obama's starting to look real good, isn't he? And anyway, how long has it been since we've had a beefcake presidential candidate? Never! And if you ask us, it's about damn time! (Are they selling "Obama/Pecs 2008" bumper stickers yet?)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 13 All right, enough politics—let's get to the real news! Britney Spears has a new boyfriend! Today in Las Vegas, Brit and her new beau, model Isaac Cohen, danced the weekend away and stayed in the two-story Hugh Hefner Sky Villa at The Palms hotel—which costs $40,000 a night and boasts a rotating bed, a Jacuzzi, a full bar, and an elevator. MEANWHILE... Today Kevin Federline opened a new, "freaking sweet" bag of Cheetos, then asked his mother to get him "just one more High Life" from the fridge.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 14 Why is it that wacked-out former celebrities are always more entertaining than current celebrities? For example... current celebrity: Zach Braff. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wacked-out former celebrity: Singer/drug addict Whitney Houston, who was recently ordered by the New Jersey Superior Court to auction off her instruments and clothes (including items from Giorgio Armani, Gianni Versace, and Dolce & Gabbana) in order to pay off $150,000 in legal fees. Only problem? "A lot of the items didn't even belong to her," dished PageSix.com. "They were owned by back-up musicians and small vendors." Classy move, Whitney. We're sure they were delighted to help you out with your crack debt. Or! Current celebrity: Ash-ton Kutcher. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whacked-out former celebrity? Michael Jackson, who just paid off a long-overdue bill for over $100,000 in prescription meds. (That's only two years' worth of pills for Jacko. Sure, that's small change compared to Whitney's skyrocketing crack bill, but still pretty impressive.) So c'mon, current celebrities! Get your acts together! Ashton, give us a call when you're selling things that aren't yours and/or ripping off pharmacies. You have our number.