MONDAY, JANUARY 15 "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my health," said the lush-alicious Lindsay Lohan—and NO, she wasn't talking about her Proactiv acne medication commercials! According to a statement released by her beleaguered publicist, LiLo has checked into the awesomely named Wonderland rehab facility, which may cost a whopping $1,750 per day—but undoubtedly provides a wicked virgin mojito. And while her retreat to the facility may outwardly be for "personal health" concerns, those waggy tongues of Hollyweird tell a very different story indeed! According to multiple gabby outlets, Lohan was shoved kicking and screaming down the rabbit hole to Wonderland by concerned family members and studio execs. Says a snoopy spy to Star: "The movie executives said they had a major issue with getting her insured [for her current project, I Know Who Killed Me] and threatened to sue her for between $3 million and $5 million for the delays her constant absences were causing on the set." Meanwhile, other spies report that her partying has actually been on the increase since her appendectomy two weeks ago. According to, one day after her appendix was removed, LiLo was hot on the party trail again: "Lindsay lined up multiple shots [of booze] in a row behind her so no one could see. Lohan would then drink the shots when no one was looking. Well, almost no one." And while we do hope Wonderland is successful in weaning poor Lindsay from the demon sauce—will it get to the true root of the problem? A certain actor with the initials J.F.? Check out Friday's entry for even MORE juicy juice!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16 In other tales from Hollyweird, hotheaded supermodel Naomi Campbell has confessed to beaning her maid Anna in the noggin with her cell phone—mmmmmmm... kinda. "I threw a cell phone in the apartment. The cell phone hit Anna," Naomi said today in Manhattan Criminal Court. See? Just two weird mutually exclusive events... Or three if you count Naomi accusing her maid of stealing her jeans, and subsequently losing her shit. But really! THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER. Naomi has been sentenced to five days of community service and must attend anger management classes. [Not to the instructor: Might want to wear a bike helmet that day.] MEANWHILE... Funniest tabloid headline of the week? From the New York Post: "EYE FIX BACKFIRES ON CELEBUTARD." The story itself isn't that awesome: Paris Hilton drops by a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon after some eye work resulted in a droopy lid. What we love is the word "celebutard," which we are hereby stealing for our own usage—whenever we please. ASSISTANT! GET US THE TRADEMARK OFFICE ON THE LINE! (GodDAMMIT! How many cell phones do we have to throw at that bitch to get her attention?!?)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17 Think Tinsel Turd is the only city with celebutards? Au contraire, mon frère! Oregon has at least two or three, and even they get into trouble sometimes. Take for example film director/PDX gadfly Gus Van Sant who has pled "not guilty" to DUI charges stemming from a December 21 arrest. Police say the My Own Private Idaho auteur blew a .19 percent—which as most of you drunkies know is twice the legal limit. The cops also accused Gus of slurred speech and reeking of alcohol... although the real test should be a side-by-side comparison of the celebrity in question and Paula Abdul. MEANWHILE... Speaking of her royal lushiness, if it's January then that means it's time for another tedious American Idol "controversy." This time it concerns another Oregon native, Tommy Daniels, who really impressed the judges with his singing abilities, though the "criminal record" portion of his audition left much to be desired. According to E! News, the aspiring Idol was convicted of drunken driving in 2004, and again in 2005 for a hit-and-run incident involving another car. Dumb mistakes? To be sure, but not NEARLY as asinine as former Idol contestants have made. For example, in season two Corey Clark was given the boot after it was discovered he had been arrested for assault. On the other hand, long-haired stinky hippie Bo Bice (runner-up from season four) was kept around even though he had been arrested for possession of marijuana and cocaine. And as long as judge Paula Abdul continues to unsuccessfully make it through an entire episode sober, we don't think Tommy will have much to worry about.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 18 And while President Bush may have the lowest public opinion rating since Richard Nixon, at least he made it to the top of one list: the most notable quotations of 2006, as compiled by the Yale Book of Quotations. What glimmering nugget of wisdom did our president impart to deserve such a hallowed honor? Here it is: "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense." Ouch. But the accolades don't stop there, for not only did Bush's "I'm the decider" statement make it as the best quotation, it also was deemed the "Bushism" of the year by the Global Language Monitor, who, among other things, keeps a running tab on all of the stupid things our president says. For the record, Bush also took the number two spot on the list for his technologically savvy quote, "I use The Google." We wish we were joking.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 19 Our primary New Year's Resolution this year? Be more grateful! Especially for Lindsay Lohan—good ol' LiLo never stops acting crazy, which makes writing One Day at a Time a breeze! Case in point: The New York Daily News reported today that the reason LiLo checked in to the Wonderland rehab facility was because of... James Franco! Mmmmm... question: Who the hell's James Franco? Apparently, he's that guy from Spider-Man. No, not Tobey. That other one? The surly one? Tobey's pal? The one who can't act? Yeah, him! Well, apparently, Lilo's head over heels for that guy—yet at a Golden Globes after-party at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, Franco flat-out ignored her, despite LiLo's best attempts to get his attention. Lindsay apparently left the party in tears around 3:30 am, then passed out in a hallway at 6 am. Shortly thereafter, Lohan checked in to Wonderland Center, which treats "love addicts who believe the perfect partner is waiting for them." Nice work, James! Keep this up, and you'll be the one we're grateful for in 2008!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 20 Neither shocking nor delighting anyone, Hillary Rodham Clinton officially announced her candidacy for president today. "I'm in, and I'm in to win," Clinton said, adding that "after six years of George Bush, it's time to renew the promise of America." Clinton's chief competitor for the Democratic Party's nomination is the absolutely dreamy Barack Obama, who pretended to welcome Clinton's entry into the race: "Senator Clinton is a good friend and a colleague whom I greatly respect," he said. "I welcome her and all the candidates, not as competitors but as allies in the work of getting our country back on track." Then Obama flashed a blindingly white smile, causing everyone on the planet to suddenly ask, "Hillary who?"

SUNDAY, JANUARY 21 "The overwhelming impression you get is fear and hatred for Muslims," says Rabiah Ahmed, spokesperson for the Council on American-Islamic Relations, about the current season of 24, Fox's hit show about Kiefer Sutherland killing terrorists in real time. Engy Abdelkader, of the American Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, added that she found 24's "portrayal of American Muslims to be... denigrating from beginning to end. This is one of the most popular programs on television today. It's distressing." Apparently, these people haven't seen American Idol, which denigrates the whole of humanity. Isn't that what television is all about?