MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 Far be it from us to laugh at the misfortune of others, but... oh, c'mon! Who are we kiddin'? We LOVE laughing at the misfortune of others! Especially the misfortunes of FEMA director Michael Brown who resigned today in disgrace after his enormous fuck-up in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. In fact, his fuck-up reached such an advanced state of fuck-up-edness, three days ago he was taken off his job of day-to-day management of disaster relief in New Orleans, and replaced by a FIREMAN (though it is widely agreed upon that even a can of creamed corn wouldn't have fucked up as badly as Brown). And if that wasn't enough to prove that Brown really, really, REALLY fucked up, President Bush stepped forward to claim responsibility for the federal government's failures following Katrina—and Bush never accepts responsibility for anything. "Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability," said President and Master of the Obvious Bush. "To the extent that the federal government [AKA Michael Brown, who Bush appointed] didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility." Unfortunately, the President still refuses to take responsibility for hating black people. Ever since rapper Kanye West called Bush out on national television, accusing him of hating black folk, the President has been on the defensive. Even Mrs. Bush was incensed by that uppity rapper's remarks, calling Kanye's remarks "disgusting." On a radio interview, the First Lady said, "I think all of [Kanye's] remarks are disgusting, to be perfectly frank, because of course President Bush cares about everyone in our country. And I know that. I mean, I'm the person who lives with him." Okay then, President Bush likes black people. We'll simply change this week's One Day headline to "First Lady Thinks Black People are Disgusting!"
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 Contrary to popular opinion here at the Mercury office, some topics are simply NOT funny. However, see if you can escape without cracking at least a smile at the following headline: "Paul McCartney's Wife Loses Leg in a Fight with J.LO's Guards." Today in NYC, Mills McCartney (Paul's one-legged wife) who is an animal rights activist for PETA, found herself in a physical altercation after dropping off a "Fur is Murder" DVD at Lopez's office. After limping into J.LO's office accompanied by journalists and photogs, Mills was confronted by LO's goon squad who warned her to leave immediately. She didn't, and in the ensuing struggle, Mills' prosthetic leg fell off. Unfazed by the sight of Paul McCartney's wife hopping around on one leg, the guards still kicked her out. Hilarious? You bet. But if Mills really wanted to make a point about animal abuse, she would've walked into J.LO's office and used her fake leg to step on a bear trap. Hilarious and poignant.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 We suppose you've heard the news by now, but if you haven't... Britney Spears gave birth to a bouncing baby Cheeto. We mean, "boy." While no official statements have been released as of press time, here's what we know courtesy of the tabloids: Brit started experiencing contractions on September 9, and in the following days experienced "extreme discomfort"—though this could be partially blamed on living with Kevin Federline. At 6 am this morning, Spears apparently convinced her hubby to pry the PS2 from his hands and take her to the Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center. And at 1 pm doctors delivered Britney's baby into the world via Caesarian Section—a relief to Kevin who finds flabby vaginas to be "too much work." Both mother and child are doing fine, and the boy has reportedly been given the name Preston Michael Spears Federline. Congratulations to the happy couple, and just to prove we're not complete bitches, we're going to grant Kevin and Britney a short vacation from any biting, negative or sarcastic remarks. Hummm... humm, humm, humm... hummmm. Okay, that's short enough. Good luck raising that future drug addict!
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 While it's not as funny as Paul McCartney's wife's leg falling off in J.LO's office, annoying actress Renee Zellweger and hubby/hillbilly Kenny Chesney are the newest residents of Splitsville! (Yeah, it's still pretty funny, all right.) Naturally, they have asked the press to grant them privacy and "refrain from drawing derogatory, hurtful, sensationalized, or untrue conclusions," to which the tabloids replied, "Pffttbbbbpptthh!" Here's the scoop: After four short months of wedded bliss, Zellweger filed for an annulment... but here's the weird part. Normally—at least in our last three marriages—the reason given for splitting up is the famous "irreconcilable differences." However, on the documents of annulment, Zellweger has accused her C&W singing hubby of "fraud." So is she saying Chesney's NOT a straw-chewing dimbulb hillbilly hayseed? Huh. Could've fooled us.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 It's rehab for Courtney Love. The half-mad rocker was sentenced today to 180 days at a drug treatment facility for violating probation in three criminal cases. See, we think Courtney needs more drugs, not less. Lithium. Prozac. Maybe some Xanax. A smidge of Wellbutrin. Some cigarettes. A frontal lobotomy wouldn't be out of the question. While Courtney was busy being sentenced, Kristen King—who back in 2004 accused Love of attacking her while she was asleep—sued the big loon for an undisclosed amount. Allegedly, Love grabbed a liquor bottle and threw it at King's head as she snoozed on a sofa at Love's boyfriend's house. Then Love threw a lit candle and pinched King's breasts. (A note to the kids: There are some people in the world whom you should never fall asleep around. Never, ever fall asleep around Courtney Love.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 What's scarier than Courtney Love? How about mice infected with the bacteria responsible for bubonic plague? What's scarier than that? The fact that three of them have vanished from a laboratory and are now loose, probably under the sink in your kitchen. Oh, why did you leave that pizza out overnight? Why can't you clean up your bread crumbs? Why is it so hard to close the cereal box? The mice escaped from the Public Health Research Institute in New Jersey, which conducts bioterrorism research for the federal government. That's right: yikes. They've been missing for two weeks, which gives them more than enough time to infect other mice, die, and for those mice to infect other mice and die, but not before stowing away on a big rig, ending up in Portland and scurrying inside your house. Naturally, health experts say there is scant public risk, which leads us to believe that we are all in great peril.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Last week we learned that supermodels are not always the paragons of wellbeing and high moral standards that society assumes. Our first clue? A British newspaper published photographs of Kate Moss snorting blow. We were stunned. Kate Moss? She seems so innocent and looks so healthy. Surely there must be an explanation. Perhaps she was snorting Chinese herbs or an Estée Lauder powder beauty treatment? But today the Associated Press reported that Kate has officially copped to the coke and apologized to H&M, with whom she recently secured a $1.8 million advertisement deal. Whoops! Awkward. A H&M spokesperson said: "We are very anti-drugs and insist all our models are healthy and sound. What happened is in Kate's private life, but we are all very disappointed in her. Kate has apologized and was full of remorse for her actions. She has assured us it will not happen again, and we are willing to give her another chance." In that case, why can't we be a supermodel? We bounced a check last week!