MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7 If you take nothing else with you from this week's column, please remember the following life lesson: This is Paris Hilton's world—you just live in it. You see, everything in the universe is somehow connected to Paris Hilton, as will be proven in the following blurps of gossip. NEWS BLURP! Paris Hilton's deadbeat boyfriend smashes up her car! Greek shipping heir and professional asshole Stavros Niarchos returns to One Day only a week after being spotted offering a bum $100 to dump a soda on his head (what a dreamboat!). This week Stavros, Paris, and special guest stars Kimberly Stewart (Rod's daughter) and MTV's Laguna Beach cast member Talan Torriero were spotted leaving LA hotspot Element, and in an effort to avoid the paparazzi, Stavros rammed Paris' silver Bentley into the back of a delivery truck. Then, as if matters needed any further worsening, he sped off, narrowly avoiding an innocent bystander, before he was stopped blocks away by police. Happily for those who think drunken drivers should stay on the road, all parties were released on their own idiotic recognizance. NEWS BLURP #2! According to Jeannette Walls' gossip column, when Paris isn't letting her idiot boyfriend wreck her car, she's prank calling former friend Nicole Richie. The Simple Life co-star believes she's the victim of some late-night punkery courtesy of former pal Paris. "Nicole doesn't have any proof," notes a gabby pal, "but she's almost sure it's Paris." NEWS BLURP #3! In a related story, Paris is the cause of the recent student riots in Paris, who want the name of their city changed to "Richie."
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8 It was election day across the country, and guess who really got his ass handed to him? Why, none other than California governor and accused sex offender Arnold Schwarzenegger. The former action movie hero attempted to put his own personal stamp on state politics by forcing four ballot proposals on the citizenry—all of which were REJECTED. (In your FACE, "Terminator"!) Voters overruled Schwartzy's attempts at giving himself the authority to make mid-year budget cuts (REJECTED!), his plan to lengthen teachers' probationary periods (DENIED!), his scheme to require union members get permission before dues could be used for political purposes (STUFFED!), and most importantly, his stance on requiring parental permission for girls 17 and younger before they could receive an abortion (ABORTED!). For once, this Austrian blowhard was forced to eat his words. "I take full responsibility for this election... for its failure," Schwarzenegger sobbed. Then, in an attempt at levity, he added, "If I was to make another Terminator movie, I would tell Terminator to travel back in time to tell Arnold not to have another special election." The voters rejected his joke by a wide margin.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Why is the now pleasantly plump Lindsay Lohan considering marriage with the heartthrobby Jared "Jordan Catalano" Leto? Because it would drive Paris Hilton KER-AZY! (See "The Universe Revolves Around Paris Hilton," Mon Nov 7). Secretly dating for months, Lindsay recently confessed to a gabby pal that she's thinking of following in the footsteps of other failed Hollywood romances, and getting hitched to Leto. "She's crazy about Jared," the pal told Life & Style weekly. "She says it would be great to run away, get married barefoot on the beach, and shock everybody." But that's not the only reason, now is it? "She's angry at Paris [Hilton] for hooking up with Mary-Kate Olsen's ex, Stavros Niarchos," added the pal. "Catching a husband would be a poke in Paris' eye." Okay... that is the STUPIDEST reason for getting married we've ever heard. Why can't Lindsay poke Paris' eye the old-fashioned way? With an ice pick?
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Today hubby Kip Romano and ourself celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary (don't applaud—it's still early). And as a present, we agreed to let Kip pick today's One Day story, and here it is: "Cheerleaders Face Charges After Witnesses Claim They Had Sex in Bar Bathroom." Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders—who are "very sexy" Kip wanted us to add— were caught diddling each other's fiddles in a nightclub in Tampa, Florida. Witnesses claim the girls, who were in town for a football game between the Panthers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, were having sex in a stall—a loud and vociferous act which angered patrons waiting in line for the restroom. "What kind of people would get mad about two cheerleaders having sex?" wonders hubby Kip. "Are they insane?" That's hard to say, Kip. Perhaps these customers were handicapped or incontinent. Anyway, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and here is Ann's anniversary story of the day. "Actress Mischa Barton Declines Offer to Have Sex with Leonardo DiCaprio." According to www.femalefirst.com, the actress who plays drunky Marissa on The O.C. claims her publicist begged her to bed DiCaprio in order to get more publicity. After spotting the hunky actor on a photo shoot in Malibu, publicist Craig Schneider reportedly turned to Mischa and said, "For the sake of your career, go and sleep with that man!" However, she rebuffed the offer because she doesn't find older men sexy. "Isn't Leo like, 30, or something?" Mischa asked. To which Hubby Kip responded, "Owww. Ann... you really know how to hurt a guy." That's why I make the big bucks, bubby. Happy anniversary.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11 For those of you wondering why the mail didn't come, it's because today was Veterans' Day. Did you do anything to celebrate? Some people plant flags on soldiers' graves. Some people read war poetry in high school gymnasiums. President Bush took the opportunity to criticize Democrats who've had the gall to suggest that Bush misled the world about why we needed to invade Iraq. "The stakes in the global war on terror are too high, and the national interest is too important, for politicians to throw out false charges," he said in a speech at the Tobyhanna Army Depot. Like Saddam has WMDs? Those kind of false charges? Mmmm... no. He probably means something different.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12 If you're a gay wannabe priest (wave), you've probably got some deep-seeded issues. You also may be in for some trouble from God HQ. The New York Times reported today that an upcoming Vatican document states that the Vatican will ban new priests who "present deeply rooted homosexual tendencies" (i.e.: Babs CDs, Queer As Folk season one, man kissing). The good/bad news? They'll take you if you've suppressed your "gay tendencies" for roughly four years before your final ordination. That means no cuddling at the seminary, and no participating in any musical theater. The whole celibacy thing has been at the top of priestly to-do lists for millennia, but some church watchers question whether it's really fair for a gay priest to be required to be celibate even before he's ordained. Why all the interest in How Gay is Too Gay? Apparently, over the last few decades, gay men have flocked to the priesthood. I know! Shocking. This has led the Vatican, which continues to try to prove that it is not gay by saying mean things about gay people, to try to clarify how they can love gay people but hate gay sex. Hint: It has something to do with hypocrisy and intolerance.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13 Neat! Bruce Willis has offered one million dollars to anyone who turns in al-Qaeda leaders Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. We're sorry, ALLEGED terrorist leaders. Willis also offered one million dollars to anyone who would cast him in a good movie. Then he started crying.