MONDAY, DECEMBER 26 It's the day after Christmas, and did you get what you wanted? US, NEITHER. In fact, according to the wagging tongues of Hollyweird, something very near and dear to our hearts has been taken away, which is to say, NUDE PHOTOS OF BRAD PITT. According to the New York Post, Pitt pitched a hissy fit over recently taken snapshots of the blond meat-hunk sunning himself naked on the balcony of his Los Angeles home. And even though the photos have yet to be developed, Pitt's lawyer is already hurling threats, warning every magazine and newspaper that if the nudie pix are published, he'll sue the pants off everyone in the world. (Including Angelina's kids Maddox and Zahara. That's how serious he is!) If this scenario sounds awfully familiar, it's because a few weeks ago we reported that Jennifer Aniston was also photographed while nude sunbathing and also threatened to sue everyone including Maddox and Zahara. Now... here's a question: Why is it so hard for these people to keep their clothes on while outside? And even more importantly, would it kill Brad to send all the confiscated photos to Ann Romano, care of this newspaper? We're trying to start the new year off with a renewed faith in humanity, and naked photos of Brad Pitt would definitely be a step in the right direction.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27 And speaking of sexy photos, what could be sexier than nearly nude pix of Osama bin Laden's niece? Hotsie-totsie Wafah Dufour—and niece to the madman who orchestrated 9/11—is prepared to put American minds at rest that she is NOT a terrorist, by posing in her underwear for GQ! The New York socialite and wanna-be pop singer (!) is pictured in the metrosexual men's mag reclining on satin sheets and rocking a feather boa and high heels. Why the sexy spread? Says Wafah, "It's really tough that I always have to explain myself. I was born in the States, and I want people to know I'm American." Hear that, Brad Pitt? If Wafah will show us her goodies to prove she's American, then why won't you? Hand over those pictures of your genitalia, or the terrorists have won! MEANWHILE... New Scientology convert and mother-to-be Katie Holmes is a big, fat, ugly cow. Hey! She said it, we didn't! According to World Entertainment News, the brainwashed bride-to-be of Tom Cruise has no intention of getting hitched while her bun is still in the oven. "All these rumors that we're getting married this week or next, they're just not true," said the former Dawson's Creek-er. "I won't be waddling into my wedding with a big bump." We assume she's talking about the baby, and not Cruise.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28 For having such a thick head, Arnold Schwarzenegger sure does have thin skin. The Austrian-born governor of California had his widdle-bitty feelings hurt this week when his hometown of Graz criticized one of his decisions. Graz, Austria (whose official slogan is "City of Human Rights") kicked up a fuss when Arnold refused to stop the execution of convicted murderer Stanley "Tookie" Williams. Arnold responded to this slight by having his name taken off the city's stadium. "In order to spare the responsible politicians in the city of Graz any further disconcertment, I withdraw the right, effective immediately, to use my name in connection with Liebenauer Stadium," sniffed the muscle-bound politico, adding, "You will receive a letter from my lawyers regarding this matter shortly." And just in case they thought Arnie was just blowing off steam, he really stuck it to them by returning an ornate ring of honor Graz officials gave him in 1999. "[Since] Graz obviously doesn't accept me as one of its own anymore, this ring has become worthless for me. It is already in the mail," the spurned Arnold wrote. Sigh... another poor, brokenhearted celebrity. What makes us think Angelina Jolie is somehow behind all this?
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29 Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline. What a monumental waste of flesh and oxygen. And yet? He gets everything he wants for Christmas, while we remain "nude Brad Pitt" photo-less for another year. What did Kevin Federline find under his tree? A brand new fancy-pantsy website (www.kevinfederline.com) complete with flash animation and threatening quotes from the world's laziest male gold digger. The site opens with various tabloid stories of the infamous pair, and Federline rapping "Keep messin' with my family and you're through." Well! Good morning to you also! Thanks so much for the genial introduction to your site. Would you also like to kick us in the box? The site then goes on to warn the viewer, "I'm coming... 2006!" While he's probably talking about his new rap album, we fear the worst. On the upside, Kevin didn't get one thing he wanted for Christmas... a record label interested in investing in his rap career. In order to release his new single "Popozao" by New Year's Eve, he'll be distributing it himself, via (once again) his new website. Maybe he can threaten his song to do well on the charts?
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30 ABC put on a good old-fashioned freak show tonight when they carted out Dick Clark to welcome in the new year in Times Square. As all Dick Clark Fan Club members know, he was forced to take last year off after suffering a stroke. On a positive note, he re-learned how to walk and talk. On a negative note, he didn't learn how to walk and talk well. Seriously. If you missed this show, you are so out of luck because there is nothing as exhilarating as watching America turn on one of its icons like a Uruguayan rugby team stranded in a crashed airplane in the Andes. Media critics wrestled one another to be first to slam the elderly stroke victim in print, complaining that Clark's slurred speech and weirdly static demeanor was off-putting and creepy. Ryan Seacrest, who is clearly waiting for Clark to throw a blood clot so he can have his job, offered sycophantic musings while eagerly ogling the anchor desk on which the poor old man's dead hand lay like a tiny, gutted game hen. Seacrest should have just shot Clark in the head. It would have been less painful.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31 A 16-year-old American boy named Farris Hassan is on his way back to the States after a three-week unchaperoned Middle East trip that ended when the kid walked into the Associated Press office in Baghdad. And yet we, Ann Romano, can't get a press pass to cover the war in Iraq. (There is gossip to be had there—oh yes.) The kid's parents, who moved from Iraq decades ago, have been a wee worried about their adventurous boy, who apparently took his prep school journalism assignment to write an essay, in which the writer lives the life of his subject, a little too seriously. For the record, he turned in the essay via email, but his prep school has not accepted it, citing the whole running-away-to-a-war-zone thing. Do we need any more reasons not to let kids have credit cards?
SUNDAY, JANUARY 1 Happy new year! Our premonition for 2006? John Kerry will decide to run for president in 2008. Or is that deja-vu? Anyway, the Associated Press decided to ring in the new year with a story threatening another Kerry campaign. In fact, Kerry apparently has never stopped campaigning, and continues to raise money, travel widely, appear on talk shows, and publicly rail against Bush's policies. Wait? But didn't he already run for president and lose? Yes! Good job paying attention! But it is possible for Kerry to win the party's nomination even after squandering his presidential bid. Adlai Stevenson was a two-time Democratic nominee, and suffered back-to-back losses in 1952 and 1956 to Republican Dwight Eisenhower. "Who the fuck is Adlai Stevenson?" you ask. Exactly. Our second premonition? Brad and Angelina will tie the knot and Katie Holmes will develop a well-earned pain killer addiction. Our premonitions tend to get more reliable as they go.