MONDAY, JANUARY 9 Yay! Only a couple of weeks ago, teen screen queen Lindsay Lohan had practically dropped off the gossip radar, but now she's back—and with a VENGEANCE. As already reported in One Day, Lindsay successfully completed the following tasks last week: (1) checked into a hospital after suffering a massive asthma attack, (2) was spotted receiving a pregnancy test from a friend, and (3) confessed to Vanity Fair that she had dabbled in drugs—NOT COCAINE—and suffered from bulimia. This week she's flipping the script, now DENYING that she said any of those nasty things to Vanity Fair, but even more importantly, staying mum about rumors that she was smooching Leonardo DiCaprio on New Years' Eve! (No wonder she suffered that asthma attack!) Lohan released a statement claiming the hoity-toity version of Us Magazine "misused and misconstrued" her words, and has reverted back to her prior claim of being non-bulimic and drug free. "I'm appalled with the way [the interview] was done," Lindsay huffed and puffed to Teen People. "Aside from [reporter Evgenia Peretz's] lies and changing of my words, I am blessed to have this job." VF is standing by its story, claiming, "Every word Lindsay Lohan told [Peretz] is on tape." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... WHO CARES? The big story is Lindsay playing tonsil-tag with Leo, and everyone knows it! According to Britain's Daily Star, Leo has even been sneaking into Lindsay's hospital room... perhaps to play a little "doctor"? Hmmmmmm? (Side note: Wouldn't it be awful if Leo snuck into your hospital room, and it turned out he was a proctologist?)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10 Though we are the last person to say "We told you so," well... "WE TOLD YOU SO!" As gleefully reported last week in One Day, Angelina Jolie was seen sporting a possible pregnancy "bump" and today that "bump" was confirmed! According to People magazine, she uttered the confirming words, "Yes, I'm pregnant," to a charity aid worker in the Dominican Republic. Yes, we know you can't trust a Dominican Republic charity aid worker as far as you can throw them—that's why we waited for word from Angelina and Brad's publicist, who also backed up the charity aid worker's story. Of course, one may say, "Why should we believe the publicist? Haven't they been denying their relationship since day one?" True, but the publicist was trying to protect us from the knowledge that Brad Pitt is a NO-GOOD CHEATER who was allegedly screwing Jolie while still married to his horsy-faced wife, Jennifer Aniston. Besides, Angelina's pregnancy isn't the big news anyway! Because in Brad's press release, the publicist slipped up and said "I can confirm they are expecting." Not Angelina, mind you, but "THEY." This is the confirmation we've been waiting for that Angelina and Brad are actually DATING! (About time! Sex outside of dating is such an empty experience. Sex outside of marriage on the other hand...)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11 Not that you care, but occasional actress and former Brad Pitt gal-pal Gwyneth Paltrow is also pregnant. What's she going to name this one? Kumquat? Meanwhile... Don't you hate it when dreams are crushed? Irish hottie Colin Farrell's sex tape was released on the internet today—and just as quickly taken away! Or was it? The 15-minute tryst between Farrell and Playboy model Nicole Narain was offered up on the site for the mere price of $14.95. And yet? We spent several unsuccessful hours trying to access the site to no avail! What kind of government conspiracy would try to stop us from our god-given right to stare at Colin's penis for only $14.95? While Colin's lawyer is claiming the site was immediately shut down, website owner John Taylor claimed the site imploded because of the high volume of web traffic. Wait... there, we just tried dialing up the site again, and it STILL DOESN'T WORK! Similarly infuriated is Narain's lawyer Leodis Matthews who said, "We're extremely upset. This is a black market release. Nicole is not getting a dime from this. We're outraged—$14.95 is a ridiculous figure." You're upset? We pay $40 a month for internet, and we don't get a glimpse of Colin's penis? That's an OUTRAGE!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12 Don't you just love Samuel Alito, President Bush's pick to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court? You don't? Well, you better start liking it, because as of today he's on the fast track to getting confirmed. The 55-year-old federal judge coasted through a grueling 18-hour stint of handjobs from Republicans and whiny nitpicking from Democrats who did everything they could to cast a shadow of doubt on the nominee. They continually attacked Alito's stance on a woman's right to choose, hearkening back to a 1985 statement where he said the Constitution did not protect a woman's right to an abortion. Democrats also tried to make some hay over his former college membership in a Princeton club that discouraged the admission of women and minorities. Unfortunately, even a Democratic filibuster seems unlikely to stop Alito's assignment to the country's highest bench at this point. Democrats instead are attempting to amend the Constitution to make it a capital offense for any more Supreme Court Justices to die before Bush gets out of office.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13 What's more fun that killing Iraqi babies? Saving them! When American soldiers came across a baby girl with spina bifida they made some calls (Hello? Public Relations?) and got the three-month-old flown to Atlanta for surgery. Last week doctors removed a fluid-filled sac from her back and jimmied her spinal cord into place. The price tag for this medical intervention? Free! Gratis. No charge. Pretty neat of them! Us? We still have to pay $600 a month for health insurance AND pay for birth control pills out of our pocket because LORD FORBID that health insurance pay for a drug you actually need. Anyway, spina bifida girl's surgery went well and she was released today to recover with her father and grandmother who have been staying with an Atlanta-area host family. Bet THEY can't wait to go home.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14 Guess who wasn't one of the (at least) 18 people who died when the US bombed a Pakistani village yesterday? Ayman al-Zawahri. It's of note only because he was the target. Who did die? Women and children. Though no babies with spinal bifida. They must be saved—at all cost. So why bomb a village to kill someone who wasn't there? Steady yourself. It appears that the CIA was operating on bad intelligence. You wouldn't have known it from the TV networks. Both NBC and ABC gleefully reported that al-Zawahri was probably dead, and ABC said that he was probably one of about five top al-Qaeda officials killed in the strike. If by "top al-Qaeda officials" you mean sheepherders. Because it appears that while al-Zawahri was invited to dinner at the compound that was bombed, he didn't show up. Which is just rude. Even though the party did turn out to be a total drag.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15 And now for some good news: CNN reported today that Eminem has remarried his beleaguered ex-wife Kim. Isn't this the same Kim whom he fantasized about murdering in song? Yes! Isn't that romantic? (Like you don't spout ditties in the shower about filleting your estranged spouse.) The two have a 10-year-old daughter who met her lost twin at camp and then switched places with her in a complicated plot to get her parents to reconcile. Or was that a movie? It's hard to separate. Lindsay Lohan's work is so damn prescient.