MONDAY, MARCH 6 Where the tongues never stop wagging, it's One Day at a Time with the latest gossipy gab from Hollyweird! And while one might assume that celebs would take a break after the hustle-bustle of the Oscars—this week is simply dripping with sweet scandally stuff! The most shocking post-Oscars story? Paris Hilton gets shut down and OUT of the Vanity Fair party! It seems only Hollyweird's brightest A-listers were given invites this year—such as Madonna, Teri Hatcher, Nicole Kidman, Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Lopez—and VF Editor Graydon Carter made it his special pleasure to blacklist Paris. Sniffed Carter, "Paris who? She will never attend one of the parties I host." OUCH! And even ouchier? He did invite Hilton archenemies Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton. Don't be surprised if Paris buys Vanity Fair just so she can fire him. MEANWHILE... Why on earth wouldn't Paris Hilton of all people be invited to such a swanky shindig? Could it be... because she's too pretty? No... because she's far too intelligent? Mmm... no. Ohhhhh, we know! It's because she allegedly has HERPES!! As if Hilton's week couldn't get any worse, the socialite is fighting back against rumors she has the STD known as the "love bug." Event planner Brian Quintana has filed a restraining order against the heiress saying she is trying to ruin his life—apparently because he carries the knowledge of her rumored sexual malady, and was trying to warn her boyfriend Stavros Niarchos. "I wanted him to be aware of it—that she had herpes. To make sure he didn't catch anything," Quintana said, adding that Hilton caught him spilling the beans to Niarchos and became "furious." Quintana remembered her telling him, "This is between the three of us; if this gets out you're a fucking dead man." A dead man? Wow. That's one strong case of herpes. Think we should quarantine the country?
TUESDAY, MARCH 7 According to a police report issued today, new age recording artist Yanni is being charged with domestic battery stemming from an altercation with his girlfriend. (Yanni has a girlfriend?) The story goes that the 51-year-old Yanni was kicking his 33-year-old girlfriend Silvia Barthes out of his house. Barthes claims she was grabbed, shaken, and thrown onto the bed, where Yanni jumped on top of her. Conversely, Yanni claims he was kneed in the testicles (Yanni has testicles?) and only grabbed her to make her stop. "These allegations are cruel, false, without merit, and baseless," Yanni whined in a statement. "At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans all over the world." (Hmmf. We'll believe he has fans when he shows us his testicles.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8 Look, if Paris really has herpes, there's no reason to be embarrassed. (Snick.) However, when Jessica Simpson is dumped by Maroon 5's Adam Levine—and he uses a text message to do it—now THAT'S something to be red-faced about! Jess has been making serious googly eyes at Levine ever since her smashup with Nick Lachey last year. But according to Star magazine, when the blonde dumbshell began nagging Levine for answers as to why he broke off his Valentine date with her, he sent her a brush-off text message instead: "Really busy. Need space." END. Let us take a moment to reflect on poor Jessica's situation, and say, "HA. HA. HAAAAAAAA!" While Levine is certainly a smirking coward for dumping J.Simp over text message, rather than meeting her face to face like a man—somehow it's still the funniest thing we've read all year. HIGH FIVE, Levine!
THURSDAY, MARCH 9 And though we'd certainly love to send a text message dump to President Bush, we'd probably be arrested in violation of the newly renewed Patriot Act. That's right, our old constitutionally unsound nemesis is back, allowing the government practically free access to listen in on phone calls, and peep information gathered from bookstores and libraries. President Bush renewed the Patriot Act today, before its Friday expiration date, to howls of disapproval from the left. "Today marks, sadly, a missed opportunity to protect both the national security needs of this country and the rights and freedoms of its citizens," said Democratic Sen. Russ Feingold. But while the Democrats were pissing and moaning, the ACLU was hopping into action, asking federal courts to stop Bush in his tracks. "In America, no one is above the law, not even the president," said ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero. "The president's allies in Congress are preparing to cover up his illegal program, while others in Congress are standing on the sidelines. When the president breaks the law, Congress should not be giving him a get-out-of-jail free card." Best of luck to the ACLU, and while they're busy protecting our freedoms, if they could scare up one of those presidential "go-directly-to-jail" cards, that would be great, too.
FRIDAY, MARCH 10 A 15-year-old boy whose followers believe he is the reincarnation of Buddha has disappeared after 10 months of sitting motionless in the jungles of Nepal. His followers believe he wandered off or was kidnapped and have called for police to investigate. The boy's followers are especially concerned because the boy has been sitting cross-legged and perfectly still with his eyes closed in a nook among the roots of a tree in the jungle since May 17, 2005, without, they claim, food or water, and why on earth would he give up his meditation now? Mm. Let us think. Maybe he got hungry and decided to run away? Maybe a good emo band was playing Katmandu? The Buddha says: "All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else." But seriously, if you see the kid at the Department of Skateboarding, tell him to drop a postcard to his peeps.
SATURDAY, MARCH 11 When we heard that Slobodan "Someone's trying to poison me!" Milosevic had been found dead in his jail cell yesterday, we thought the same thing you did—Dick Cheney shot him. Well an autopsy performed by Dutch pathologists today concluded that we were right! No, wait. Scratch that. We have a correction: Slobo died of a heart attack. His face and neck were completely clean of birdshot. He was not released on a ranch in Texas with Saddam Hussein and forced to run into the scrub while Cheney and his cronies attempted to bag themselves a genocidal tyrant. Wink, wink. It was a heart attack. And it was totally unpreventable. Just one of those things. No word on what will happen now with that $200 million trial in The Hague. But word is that Dick Wolf is already on site dismantling the courtroom and shipping it to Burbank.
SUNDAY, MARCH 12 In her bid to out-slut Lindsay Lohan, Sienna Miller has sunk to a new low: She has apparently bedded Hayden Christensen, her co-star in the Edie Sedgwick biopic Factory Girl. Hayden's little girlfriend is steaming. "She knew exactly what Hayden and I meant to each other. I've been very hurt and betrayed by both of them—especially Sienna," 21-year-old Lola Skye, who has been dating Hayden since she was 14-year-old jailbait, told the News of the World. "She has a lot of problems. She has a messed-up temper and is so erratic. She's just not the sort of person I want to be around." What was she like to your face, Lola? "Whenever I'd visit Hayden on set, things were absolutely normal between us. I was pretty surprised when I heard all the rumors about him and Sienna. We had a discussion about her. He denied being romantically involved with her and I believed him." What a bitch! Did he ever come clean? "He broke down and confessed that he had become involved with her. He said that she had pushed him into it and insisted that it was just a fling." Ouch. Someone needs to have his lightsaber taken away.